Imagine a large clear cookie jar sitting on the kitchen counter. This jar is filled with amazingly flavored cookies and very bland cookies. The cookies range from healthy to low-fat, hard, normal, and decadent. If you are female and in the LDS world of singles wards - which cookie do you feel like and what kinds are you surrounded by?
The healthy cookies are your Molly-Mormon type. Some of you are super bland and tasting like cardboard. Some of you are not so pretty on the outside but have great flavor. Then there are the healthy cookies that might as well be the best and riches chocolate chip cookie you can find. There are all kinds of beauty.
The low-fat cookies could be the fake-sweet women in the world; or maybe you fulfill those cravings that everyone has for something sweet and good in their life. Are you for real?
If you are a hard cookie - you're an LDS female who put on a protective shell. You've been out there. You've been hurt, chosen then passed over. You know you could break, so instead you hardened and have built your walls. Sometimes you can be known as bitter or cynical.
This blog post could be considered cynical. I hope that it's just a different perspective.
The decadent cookie or female is putting it all out there - you've got all kinds of layers, you're showing it all, you're putting on the glitz and not afraid to allow your flavors to be tasted.
So now, we have our cookie jar filled with all the types. I’m sure there are many other types and other definitions and explanations for the flavor of cookie. But this isn’t the end of the story. The cookie jar is on the counter. It’s a large clear jar that is open for all to see what is inside. Who are the people looking at this big clear cookie jar? Who are the people choosing the cookies?
LDS Single Men.
Have you ever been outside a singles ward when each block/class ends? It's like it's the social event of the year! All the adults have to stand in the hall-way and talk and talk and talk. Sometimes it can be considered a cookie fashion show of sorts - where the cookies spread out and mix and mingle for all to see. It's the reason why I call a family ward "real church" and a singles ward... well a singles ward.
What's the reason we go to church? To put on a fashion show and do the social thing? It's not why I want to go but I often fall in that trap (or cookie jar).
Going back to the ones choosing from the cookie jar, or to LDS Single Males, you pick and choose, you nibble, and you throw back. When do you ever make a decision? Well, considering there are so many cookies to choose from (at least 3 or 4 cookies to every man?)- and the cookies are so willing to put themselves out there and take what they can get...no wonder you are are the way you are. It's like there are so many options that you've decided to sample as much as you can. I really believe that it takes a true miracle to find a really good, LDS males who is a heterosexual, high-achieving, priesthood-following, respecter of women. You are rare. The fact that there are some who actually decide to choose, actually take-out the cookie and eventually commit is a miracle.
Why are you cookies (i.e. LDS single females) allowing yourself to be on display in the cookie jar? What else can we do? ….
A lot!
DISCLAIMER: To be honest, I don't have as much respect for the general population of LDS single men as I would like. I know there are good ones out there. My friends have married some good ones. I know they are out there but few and far between.
Why are the women in the church willing to do so much for THE man? Is it because we have to compete for so few great ones? We're willing to compromise a lot for sometimes so little. Why?!?!
Is it because we'll take what we can get because there's not guarantee there really is another great guy out there for us?
I wish it was a requirement for the LDS Single women to watch the Oprah show of "He's just not that into you". Let's Mormon-ize it a bit and assume we follow our church standards (i.e. not sleeping with someone before marriage...). The concept is, if the guy isn't asking, isn't doing things to be proactive about pursuing you, then ‘He’s just not that into you.’
When it comes to LDS Men and women, the women put up with very little.
Why are you allowing yourself to wait by the phone?
Why are you allowing yourself to invite him over just one more time?
Why are you allowing yourself to make him dinner or take him cookies - just one more time?
Why are you allowing yourself to hang-out with him - just one more time?
You are worth more than that! You deserve more than that! You deserve to know that a man is "into you"
I'm convinced that the women in the church need to unite and demand more of the men in the church. There are so many amazing amazing women in the church!
I think it's disrespectful of a guy to be in a ward with over 100 single women and say "there's no one to date". Are you kidding me?
You've got problems dude and it's time for the women of the church to recognize that. Women's excuse shouldn't be ‘it's all we've got.’
It’s not all we’ve got. WOMEN – you deserve and should expect more!
Outside the LDS Singles World and into just the world of single heterosexual men - women of the church often receive more respect, appreciation, love and are pursued more than inside the church. It makes it difficult sometimes when you know you can be appreciated outside the church more than in the church.
It's not right!
It's not upholding our church standards!
It's wrong!
To be honest, I don't know if there are many normal single LDS men who are man enough out there for the great women in the church. Women shouldn't have to look outside the church for the respect and love they deserve.
It's frustrating.
It's wrong.
CONFESSION: I’m a hypocrite. If you consider what cookie I am…. I realize that I have metamorphosed into many different cookies. Currently, I'm the cookie that has decided that as a 30 year old, single LDS woman, I don't have to be on display any more. My cupboards are mostly locked. I want love, yes. I don't think I'm hard. I'm probably a little cynical. But, I refuse to be on display. I refuse to let myself be nibbled. I want respect. I want to be appreciated and pursued. I deserve it.
Maybe I'll be single for the rest of my life. Maybe not.
As a cookie – I don’t know what flavor I am. I know that I refuse to do the food fashion shows. I have decided to open myself to other avenues. I may attend a singles-ward, but I don’t have to embrace the culture. I’m a 30 yeard old LDS Single woman. I’m proud of my achievements in life. I have tried not to put my life on hold – just because that great LDS Single guy might be around the corner.
It’s your turn to find me.
I’ll do what I can to put myself out there – without being on display.
But note that you, perpetually single LDS men, have competition. I’ve opened myself to other avenues: maybe someone who has been married before, maybe converting a husband from outside the church. If men outside the church respect women more, than maybe I need to convert a good man instead of lowering my standards for a man who just happens to already be LDS. I won’t just say “because he’s LDS – then he’s good enough.” That’s not good enough.
To you men out there “be into her”. Whoever she is - she deserves it!
To the cookies/LDS Females: Remember that you deserve the best and should demand it. Let us all unite and demand more. You'd think that would make the men do something about it and we'd start seeing the good ones come forward?
Decide what kind of cookie you are – what kind of jar you are in. There are options. make the men realize we have options too. maybe they can be the cookies, and us the choosers.
(written 7/1/2007)
