Love Addict

Yesterday, Oprah featured Sex Addicts and Love Addicts. I thought that what they had to say was interesting. So, I questioned myself: Am I a love Addict?

The girl on there was addicted to one boy for 12 years. She would get her "fix" by driving by and seeing him. She contacted him all the time and wanted to talk with him. She couldn't get over him. She's currently been obsessed with the same guy for 3 years. I have had 3 year long relationships with guys. I have had relationships or been 'in-like' with boys for 3 years. My current problem is with Mr. R. We're going to hit the 7 month mark in December. We only talked for 3 months and then didn't for 2 and then we've talked off and on since them. I'm heart broken by him. I worry that I'm obsessed with someone that won't happen... and yet, I've felt like he was "the one" for me. So... how do I make sure I'm not Love Addicted and that this is based on true thoughts?

I think that I am not love addicted. eventually, I'll let go. My theory is that girls don't let go until there is another boy... but eventually, I'll have to let go. I am open to new possibilities. I don't completely believe in them but I'm making myself be open to possibilities.

I have started to participate in my ward activities a little more. I've gone to and plan on going to the holiday party events. I go to Mid-singles activities. I'm open to dating this Mr. MN - we'll see. Just have to get my heart out there and meet someone who wants it and I want.

New beginnings

It's interesting to see where life takes you. I've come to the conclusion (it's been building for months) that I need to find a new job. I think that the mission of my organization, in some ways, has run it's course. Technology is so integrated into everyday life, that we're back to just be a good citizen and and the basics - and it applies to everything we do. Instead, my organization separates out the technology from everyday life. Society has moved beyond that. So... I think that I may be out of a job in the next year and it might be good to jump ship now.

Yesterday, I went to FHE, which I hardly ever do. I ended up talking with this girl who was visiting. She gave me her card and I may be talking with her about job opportunities with her company. Her company is on my list that I made a month ago. I don't have any "in's" there but now, maybe I do. What's interesting, is she works in a city near where Mr. R lives. Also, she helped alleviate some of my stress of moving to a new city and being single LDS. It seems like they have a good single's opportunity for people my age.

So... here's my hesitation. All the jobs I'm interested in are in California, Washington, Boston, NYC, or DC. Nothing is where I'm living. So what do I do? A huge chunk of the major companies I want to work for are in California. I actually hesitate in applying BECAUSE mr. R lives there. i don't want to be perceived as moving there for him. But, I'm also just working on MY future, so the chances of running into him are slim. I just know where i WON't LIVE - in that city :).

And then, I hesitate because I OWN a house. Well, the bank owns it, but still... the stress of having to consolidate - because everywhere I move would be more EXPENSIVE and smaller. Do I rent my house out? At this time, I don't think I could sell my house for what I bought it for. Or, maybe I can just barely sell it for that. So, do i rent it out? I need a job that will pay moving expensives and make up the difference in housing costs.

I don't have a job anywhere else yet, so I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. Still, It's a lot to consider. I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF!!

I need to consolidate and eliminate. I'll probably end up renting my house to my current roommates at a cut cost. Then, I will have to pay out of pocket for the cost I can't cover and for my rent wherever I do move. It's a lot to consider. I hope that I move up in salary. I really don't think I can live on less than I'm earning now.

Interesting turns that life takes. I don't know where I'll end up. I'm thinking that I will spend this weekend getting organized and eliminating. Next week, I will begin submitting my resume and outreaching to friends. I want to have my sister help me with my resume and letters. maybe. At the same time, she's been out of the corporate world for a while and I feel like my field is specialized in a different way. I may need to just concentrate and do this on my own.

Funny thing is, I've considered moving back to the east coast. I have friends there. I'm familiar with it. They have a great singles program, especially compared to my current city.

Then, there's also the option of joining the Air Force or Navy. I've seriously considered that as an option. The retirement would be set. That'd be nice to not worry about it. Problem is, am I someone who can always take orders from other people and let them "own" me for 20 years?

If I move to a big city in California, how am I going to afford becoming a foster mom when I'm 34? It doesn't compute with my internal time-line.

So... there is just a lot up in the air and I'm just now letting myself face it.

You are my Edward... only...

Only way cuter, less morose, and not so much a vampire. But you are my Edward. I can't get you out of my mind. But, I'm going to. Because I have to. I deserve better - someone who wants to be with me.

how much time = serious?

When do you officially become serious about someone?

After how many dates, conversations, nights, days, how much time constitutes serious?
3 months was the time frame of knowing Mr. R.

11 nights and 9 days was the timeframe in person. 170+ online conversations/emails and countless phone calls.

Some people date for a month and get serious enough to be engaged. Others date for 2 years... me, I last about 3-6 months with someone and we never reach "serious". So, what am I missing in the element of me to get past the point of "hanging out"?

tonight, last night, the other night...

So Mr. R is really "outdoing himself" here. I guess because he doesn't want to start us talking via email... and I promised not to contact him any more, he has decided to just communicate on Gchat. What's funny, is he doesn't think I'm on and has been on "show that he's on" more than he usually does. He usually looks like he's not logged on, but really is. Anyway, he is trying to send a message. Thanks for coming... tonight... last night... and now it says 'the other night'. I'm sorry, but I refuse to acknowledge that I've seen that message.

It's nice to know in someway, that at least he's thought about me the last 4 days. ha! Turn about is fair play right?

Too little...

Last night, I attended the play of Mr. R. He did a great job and played a great older bratter step-brother to the main character. It was a small community theatre that maybe holds 100 people. There were 20 there. I'm assuming Thursday nights are normally low numbers. Anyway, before going, I had corresponded with Mr. R 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Two of the correspondence went unanswered. So, at the point of going to the play last night, I wasn't sure I would even talk with him. I also couldn't get lost in the crowd, since there were so few of us there. He looked good - no goatee and I'm really a fan of the goatee but... he looked good. He's supposed to be 25 and he's 40, so he was limited in what he could to look younger. I don't think I told him he looked good, I just asked if he was going to start wearing those 1880s suits to work or start wearing a bow-tie from now on. I wasn't prepared to say anything, because I didn't know anything would be said.

After the play, all the cast members came out and met the audience. I saw him come out - but I wasn't going to go up to him. He came up, we said hi, then he gave me a hug. My friend and I talked with him a bit. He asked if we came to his town just to see his play - and I think we convinced him we came for other reasons. We did. The other reasons, on Wednesday my friend BF and I, helped her good friend paint her garage and seal the floor. Her friend had just moved into a house - so it was fun to help her out. On Thursday, day, we visited with my old roommate and walked around a part of her city that we'd never been too. Then we headed up to the town Mr. R lives in and we ate Puerto Rican food for dinner. So flavorful! Mr. R had taken me there back in July - and while, yes, Mr. R took me there, I don't have bad memories of the place.

When I mentioned that to BF, she said that she had seen when we were first entering the city that day (I was on my cell phone dealing with work), that she saw me make a face. And yep, she's right. I did make a face. I was remembering that at one time, I was on a boat that went near that bridge and was great and beautiful on the harbor. It was a beautiful night that is forever blemished because it's the one time that Ms. YW references something I was involved in. Ms. YW had written wishing she was there instead of me.

Anyway, I'm digressing. So, we found our way to the barn for the play and it went well. Mr. R talked with both BF and I. He noticed my dyed hair. I interrupted him - but I think he said it looked good. Actually, when I first gave him a hug, he said, "what you're taller than me now" - so the shoes I was wearing had some heals to them. I've worn heals around him before - but guess it's been a while.

Mr. R mentioned that his bishop was coming tonight (Friday) to his play. I told him to say "hi". Mr. R then said, yeah, because he liked talking with you." We all laughed, sort of, then BF walked away and Mr R and I talked for a second more and then he said, take care of yourself, and gave me a hug. I thought it would be just brief but he held on. And I didn't know what to do. If we hadn't been in a room with a bunch of people, I would have held on too - but I can't go there. Not when he doesn't answer my emails and I start to feel like I'm being a stalker.

And we left.

As we started driving to BF's grandparents (1 hour away), I noticed that Mr. R had gotten home and put on his gmail chat:
Thanks to who came to the show tonight. You know who you are. You looked good."

I didn't respond. I logged on (because I look invisible right now on my gchat status) for about a second but then went back to being invisible. He kept the status on for a long time last night and he is back on today (he usually doesn't go on during work). I'm not responding, I'm not even going to look like I'm on. He needs to be a little less passive if he's willing to be my friend again. I'm done putting myself out there and have said what I need to say... with no response from him.

Last night I dreamed that he called and left me a message, where he was saying what he said in the gchat but then also started saying, 'maybe saturday we can... no you're driving home that day, that won't work...let's talk next week'

When I woke, I realized the voicemail was just a figment of my imagination.

look again

Rachel Hansen: Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Next time you look back, I think you should look again

There are signs everywhere and Obsession

I think I've hit the borderline of obsession and I'm stopping now. I'm sending one closing email to the man and then I'm done. Except I'm not, I'm going to his play this Thursday. Then, I'm done. HA!

Anyway, I was driving home from a conference on Friday afternoon and I saw a big rainbow right there in front of me. In fact, the way we were driving, I was going to run right into the pot of gold. here's the even funnier thing. The pot of gold was right over the sign for the town named after Mr. R.

Ha Ha! problem is, I think I've lost my faith in the fact that Mr. R and I are supposed to end up together or even friends.

Smiles!

UPDATE: I posted the picture on my facebook but didn't really put a comment, just mentioned the rainbow and driving right into it. So, then, my sister, who is STRONGLY opposed to anything EVER happening with MR. R again, wrote on the comments for the picture "it's a sign" - ha! if she only knew what she was 'supporting'.

Donating to a good cause

Great Quote - Elder Ballard at the Boston YSA Conference

Elder Ballard included this promise to the single adults: "Take comfort in the fact that you can work and study the gospel and gain a witness and testimony of the gospel, strong enough that your Spirit will be able to withstand any adversity that may come into your life."

He concluded his remarks with some advice on marriage. "I know you probably want me to talk about marriage," he said. "That's pretty simple. Just find somebody and get married. That's not a hard thing — just do it! Just remember one other thing in the pursuit of that — that none of you are perfect. You're not going to find the exact perfect person. Don't just hang out. Visit with each other. Go on dates."

Who do you sleep with?

I know - poorly worded question. But I sleep in a queen bed, alone. I'm not dating anyone and I have to say that one of my favorite things is to cuddle... but only with a great guy and hopefully the next time I cuddle with anyone (not in my bed unless we're married) is the person I marry.

So why do I ask this question? Because I have started sleeping with my 5 pound weights on the other side of my bed. My plan? To use them while I read. I read in bed on a daily basis almost and also need to work on my arms (My least favorite body part).

So I decided to name them. Lucas and Josh.

Yep, that's who I'm sleeping with. They're a good workout and they're good for me. And chances are - they won't cheat on me or bring me heart ache. In fact, they can only be good for my heart.