Patience

I've been learning patience in many things, in my thoughts, in my working with family and in dating. We're not engaged and it's now the week of Christmas. It's the way it goes. I found out a couple weeks ago that Dr. M believes that the following has to be figured out before you get engaged:

1. Have the ring

2. Have a date or at least a general idea of the actual date in mind.

Well, we (as far as I know) have neither of those things figured out yet. Although January would have been fun and great and I really did want it... it wasn't realistic. I want to have a nice wedding with lots of DIY touches. January makes it impossible.

In the month of November, I was home 1 weekend - and that was the weekend I had my family visiting for Thanksgiving (the whole weekend at my house). The month of December, I have had no weekends at home. In fact, I spent a week in Orange County, then flew home for two days, but really flew directly to Seattle. Drove home and the next day I went to Boston for 2 days.

So why aren't we engaged? I don't know but until a few weeks ago, i didn't know what requirements Dr. M had in his head :).

The Ring: We worked with a girl named Sarah. She was really nervous and it was weird. It turns out, that the ring store that Dr. M had a connection to, doesn't really specialize in special designs for rings. They contract that out. so, after about 6 weeks of going back and forth with Sarah and many misunderstandings (i.e. appointments made but she wasn't there and thought they were for different days)... she finally gave us the name of the place they contract out with and told us to work directly with them.

So, on the first weekend of December, Dr. M and I had a real nice date in downtown Seattle. We went to the recommended ring store and I loved it! They specialize in antique/estate jewelry. The owner understood exactly what I wanted. Crazy-ly, because my Grandma's ring was two-tone Gold/silver and diamonds, I knew that I was going to go with diamonds when I said I wouldn't in the past. But working with my Grandma's ring, that is what works best. using my grandma's ring doesn't in anyway save us any money and I walked out of that store, kind of shocked and on air that Dr. M wanted to spoil me that much and that I would have such a ring. It's going to be beautiful and fun.

After visiting the ring store, we went to dinner and then to the musical, "The Christmas Story". It was cute. It's based on the movie. I've never been able to watch the movie, mostly because of the cinematography of being filmed in the 70s I think. Anyway, my favorite song was "it's a sticky situation" which the kid sings while his tongue is stuck to the poll.

It was great to have a date night that weekend.

The following weekend, I had flown in directly from Orange County and my work Christmas party. That Saturday, we had a 3 year old's bday party to attend and help out at. It was fun but crazy. Then, Dr. M and I hung out with his brother's family and picked up his car (which we decided to fix instead of sell and go into debt to buy a new one).

This last weekend, we did house stuff. Dr. M and I had met with a realtor, also named Sarah, about what we needed to do to sell his condo. We have a list of about 40 things. So, this weekend, we worked on getting the things we needed to do the cleaning up/redecorating. For example, his couch was free and while hidden, it is held together by additional batting and duct tape. The realtor wants that gone (DARN!!!! said sarcastically). Also, his dining room has been his office. We have to turn it into a dining room. I have a table in my garage, since I am a collector of STUFF, and many other decorative items.

Little things like replace the shower curtain and reposition the bed in the bedroom area also on the list.

I'm hoping we can get his condo on the market by the middle of January. That's assuming that his brother helps us replace the vinyl flooring in the kitchen before that.

It's crazy and been a crazy last few months. Up until our date to the Christmas Story, I felt like Dr. M and i were always running and didn't have time to just enjoy and be dating.

So, I do joke about how he hasn't proposed to me yet and I might not say yes... Although, we just bought a new couch and other things, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to say yet :). At the same time, I do wonder when we'll get married. It seems like we have a huge list of things we need to accomplish first and it just seems insurmountable. And financially scary - since we have to figure out how to sell his place, buy a place and then sell mine.

One of my lessons in patience came with the list of things we have to do. I learned that Dr. M really does move on things... just quietly and has to process them and then he makes a plan and he's way better at getting things done than I am after that... he has a plan and if it is on his list, he will work to cross it off. I need to have a list instead of 100 lists and actually get things done.

Lots to catch up on

My life has been crazy and amazing and sad and happy. I can't believe I haven't posted since June. I think that is sad because I will miss not having the stories as my journal. I have my texts :) someday, I will need to go through them and Facebook to chronologically figure out what I was doing with my life for the past 4-5 months...

My life, this year, has been about driving to Seattle. I really have lived for the weekends.
this is the recap in 20 seconds :).

June - My friend C came to visit. We visited 3 cities in 3 days pretty much :). She landed in Seattle. We drove straight to Vancouver, BC. We did the touristy things there, drove back the next day to Seattle. We met Dr. M for dinner and were supposed to the touristy things that night and the next day.... BUT... my brother was in a car accident. Actually, he was on a bike. He ran into a parked utility vehicle ELEGALLY parked in the bike lane around a bend. "Chasing parked cars" as someone referred to it later. My brother is lucky to be alive. So, C and I got to drive back to Portland. Before we went, we got the 15 minute driving tour by dr. M of Seattle. Then we drove late into the evening to Portland. I dropped her off at my house to sleep in clean sheets and a nice bed (1 AM). I slept at my brother's house to help watch the kids. The next day, we took all the kids with us to the beach and the Tillamook cheese factory. Yummmm cheese.

Side note on my brother: It's taken months and he's still doing physical therapy for the next year. He'll be better eventually. It's been a hard year for him.

July 4th - we went to Dr. M's friend's condo (almost on the Canadian border). It's amazing because it's on this horse-shoe lake/peninsula and over 100+ private parties were putting of thousands of dollars. I really like his friends D&T. They have 2 kids. They had two friends staying with them E&C and their Godson too. They are fabulous cooks. I took up a double batch of Texas Caviar and Spinach-Artichoke dip (my favorite things to make these days) - turns out they made fun of me for how much I made. I was just making what would be required (if not more) for my family and their kids. We ended up eating it all over the weekend, so I don't know what the big deal was :).

Summer: Dr. M and I went to our first Baseball game together. I think we went in June or May. We saw the Mariners. I had fun going with him and eating all the traditional junkfood you eat in the stadium.

August: I met Dr. M's dad and his brother & wife from South Carolina. Both were great experiences and they were fun people to get to know. I think there are stories here that deserve their own blog posts.

Over the past months... probably since March, we talked about "M" but never directly. We really have enjoyed just dating eachother. The reality is, we have complicated finances and situations (living in two states and owning 3 properties between us at this moment). One day, I mentioned to him, "So if you ever want to buy me something, just so you know... ummmm... I know what i want." That day, he was driving me back to his car and started GRINNING. I asked what. He told me that the following weekend, we were hanging out with his friend J and her husband B is in the "Diamond business" with his family company.
UPdate on that: B ended up not being at the dinner with us. In fact, we didn't do dinner with J. We just went to the driving range. Then Dr. M and I went to the "LOCKS" in Seattle and then to the nicest sea food (yummiest) restaurant. I'd been craving Ivar's salmon chowder for months but never got down there. So, I ordered something I wouldn't normally, but the Salmon Pot Pie. I'm in heaven just thinking of it. It was incredibly delicious. Dr. M ordered something fancy and his salmon paled in flavor compared to mine. mmmmm drooling just thinking of it. There are rare foods that make me drool like this! I should blog post on that restaurant - all it's own. It deserves it.

Dallas - went to the conference I go to every year (if possible). I got to meet up with an old DC roomie (L) and my next door college neighbor S. Found out S would be in Provo over Labor Day so after over 10 years of not seeing eachother, we were getting to see each other twice in 3 weeks. I loved going to S's house. Her mother-in-law cooked Indian food for us and it was soo yummy. I just had fun hanging out and catching up.

Labor Day weekend: Dr. M and I went on our first real extended (spent a whole week together for the first time) trip. We went to Utah and met ALL his college friends, my college and hometown friends. We had a blast. It was a crazy full weekend. We went to dinner Friday night with his college friends, went to the BYU football game on Saturday (I stayed at my friend C's house on Friday night but my air mattress lost air and her basement had flooded so the bed I usually sleep on wasn't accessible at the moment). We met up with my friends from PA!

Church - we went to his friend's house and then dinner at another friends house (they live 2 doors away from each other). Wierd friend cyberstalked me (own blog post someday). Got to hang out with PA friends.
Monday - went to breakfast with PA friends and another girl. Then, we had an hour to kill before Dr. M came to get me. What did we do? We went dress shopping!!! We went to David's bridal. I learned a lot and had so much fun. I'm so excited that my first memory of doing this for ME (a future bride? WOW) is just really really meaningful to me.
That afternoon, we went to lunch (at 2 PM) with his pseudo brother who works for the church security. I'm so grateful for that lunch. we had an inspired conversation and really had some great insights at that meal. That meal really didn't start until 3 and then we talked for 2 hours.
Dinner was with all our Campus Plaza friends. So, we went and picked up C, picked up dinner and then drove back to Provo to be with PA friends and CP friends. So much fun! I love that the timing worked out so great.
Tuesday, Dr. M and I went golfing with the friends who set us up together. K&J. K and I were roomies for 3 of my first 4 years in DC. We played 9 holes and I loved playing by her rules (more on that later in a different blog). After that, we went and picked up her son from a cousin's house and then went and tried on dresses at a Mormon dress shop. I love how Dr. M really has no idea.

Actually, the funny thing is, week's earlier, K had dropped off her wedding dress at a PA Friend's house so that I could try it on at the hotel. I always loved her dress and thought I would love it on me. I hated it. It was SOOOOO not me. I love it for her - but not for me. So, this week became very educational in what I want for me. And what my options are.

Tuesday night, we hung out with friends.
Wednesday morning, we flew back to Seattle.

So, during that weekend, something monumental happened. My Grandma N died. This was unexpected and hurt a lot. (I should dedicate a whole blog post to this too). The saddest part for me was my mom was going to see her in 10 days, Dr. M and I were going to see her in 2 weeks and my sister was going in 2.5 weeks. So I'm saddest about that missed opportunity to see her one more time. I am happy for her. She was 15 years without my Grandpa. She lived in pain every day. I love her very very much. Dr. M was wonderful for me and a great support during that whole time. Okay, crying while I write this and I am about to go out to dinner with Dr. M and his friends. So will have to talk about Grandma M later.

September: I drove down to Eureka and spent 2 weeks with my Mom, Aunt M and Uncle P. I have to dedicate blog posts about this. It was an EXPERIENCE. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm grateful I was able to be there for my mom. I helped clean out the house and get ready for an Estate Sale. We did something in 3 weeks that takes a service or families 4 months+ to do on their own. It was an incredible time. I am grateful and closer to my extended my family because of that. I even met up with my 52 year (oldest grandchild) cousin D. Found out he lives about 15 minutes from my work headquarters in California. We made plans for me to meet his whole family on my next trip.

October - I flew to California for a 10 year anniversary event that my work put on as a fundraiser. It was a great experience. I spent a lot of time with the AG of Utah. I really like him and think he's an incredible political leader. Two weekend later, I had my own yard sale. I made about $300. about $40 was things from my friend K that she wanted to get rid of. Since then, I've tried selling things on Craigslist and took a car load or 2 to Goodwill. Cleaning out my Grandma's house, made me want to condense my house items. Also, brought home a bunch of stuff from Grandma's, so wanted to make space for her things instead. I brought home a coffee end-table as one major piece of furniture. I love it because it was my Grandma's. Another favorite piece is a vintage 1950's lamp that I will someday hang in my house. So many treasures!

That weekend, I got a call to take my Grandpa to the ER. I did this and there are more details to share on this, but I'm grateful for the fact that I did take him to the ER. I'm grateful that 5 days earlier, I had taken him to the doctor. I visited him on Tuesday and on Thursday morning we got the call that my Grandpa had passed away. I'm sad. I am grateful the time that I got with him and that I know we did everything we could for him.

That week that Grandpa died was a very hard week for me. I had hard conversations with my parents about my relationship with Dr. M. I had a meeting with a realtor to find out my options with my house in a down/upside down economy and then was working with Grandpa who was sick and wouldn't let the doctor examine him when I took him there. He even hit me with his shoe (not gently). But that's all much more longer a story than I'm putting here.

This past weekend, we had another funeral in Eureka. All my extended family were there. It was great to reconnect with them. I will do a separate blog post someday on my thoughts of that event and all that transpired.

Tonight, I'm in Seattle. I'm about to go to DC for a week (really Delaware bookends the DC trip - to visit my parents and help my mom unpack in her house) and then I'll be in Seattle for 1 week for a conference and meetings. After that, it's the weekend before Thanksgiving. My parents are coming for Thanksgiving and I'm hosting it at my house. I'm excited and also know that this is probably the last year I host it at my house in Portland.

Also, in the midst of everything, I've been kicked out of the singles ward. They are cleaning house before they call the new bishop. Our bishop has been in for over 6 years. So, I switched my records a couple weeks ago. Originally, I was supposed to meet with my bishop and have him tell me to leave asap - but I took my Grandpa to the hospital instead. Then, because I'm traveling this month, i figured it was better for me to just transfer my records.

So, on my way from Portland, I stopped at the jewelry store that Dr. M's friend's have a connection to. I showed them my Grandma's original diamond wedding ring and talked about my options. I think we came up with a plan of sorts. Dr. M will have to go on a day with the designer is in-house (this weekend). In a way, I want him to take over and do his thing as the prospective groom. But I went ring shopping! (On my own, which was funny - but now Dr. M can go and take over).

Also, due to Family politics and maybe also because I really do want us to get married in January and the time is short in planning and making sure people can come, I will probably get officially engaged the week before Thanksgiving. The only pressure is, I've told Dr. M that the engagement story has to be a good one. So we'll see. My parents will meet him for the first time at Thanksgiving. We've asked to go to lunch or Dinner with them the day before - so they don't feel pressure of meeting him for the first time in front of my whole family.

I feel so at peace about Dr. M and I. I really do love him and feel like I prayed him into my life. We've had an incredible year. We've gone through some really trying things. And Dr. M asked, the night before my Grandpa died, "Can our lives get any more complicated" - well... I don't think we should ever ask that question again.

We have lots to figure out - but I'm confident we can have a fun event to celebrate our wedding and the first step into marriage.

Okay, is this posting of the cliff-notes version of my life, long enough? I think we're going to dinner soon. Dr. M is meeting with the other private practice therapists and a family who had a major tragedy a few months ago. They are working with the whole family to know what is best for three kids who tragically lost both parents on the same day. Their session should be over, but it's running long. I can't imagine what this family is going through. There are 3 kids. Their father killed the mother (in front of a therapist while they were in marital counseling) and he is now in prison. So, the kids have lost their parents and now individually meet with the three therapists here. Dr. M meets with the oldest - he's 9 and was closest with his father. My heart breaks and I don't even know details beyond that.

Okay - off for now. I definitely need to become a regular on this site again.
Smiles!

One year ago tomorrow/this weekend

I just realized that it was one year ago this weekend that I was falling in love with an illusion and thought I was going on a weekend date with the man of my dreams and future husband! How insane one year has been. My whirlwind summer began this weekend last year.

I just went to Facebook and looked up Mr. R. I look at the pictures of him and felt nothing. (Think "Chorus Line" - "I dug right down to the bottom of my soul ... to see what I could find.... nothing?). Actually, I feel the thoughts, "What a waste" and a relief that Mr. R is not who I am with. I escaped something that would have only lead to heartache somewhere down the road.

I am so blessed and lucky and grateful that I am with someone incredible; who loves me. Someone who is real and takes my good and bad... and likes me for everything that I am.

This relationship and all that I'm feeling is different than last summer and I can only be grateful for the chances to be able to start over again and that I haven't missed out on love this year. No regrets...

Series of 2 weeks...

Thus begins the series of two weeks apart :) Isn't that sounding cheesy!?!?

After that weekend, I visited DC and was traveling. I was gone for two weeks. In May, this would happen again. I would be gone for two weeks (Cruise to Alaska then off to Jacksonville for work). Week at home, then 2 weeks gone again (NYC then DC). So, we had to miss a few weekends. Yep, it's cheesy and crazy that we had to note it and how long those weeks seemed!

Do You have a reservation?

When Dr. M and I arrived at the small cafe, they asked, "Do you have a reservation"? I almost laughed! Who knew that you had to have a reservation for a dive. I thought that was anti-dive! We ended up ordering out. Then Dr. M suggested that we were close to his brother's house and could eat the food there instead of finding a park in the rain. Dr. M had to pick something up there anyway.

But first, the story of the restaurant. While waiting for our food, we got to people watch. There was a live band playing Greek music and singing. Then some of the band members started dancing for a song, then they got these two long tables full of senior citizens to get up and start dancing. Well, watch the video, there isn't much room for dancing! The servers had to navigate around the singers. As we finally got our food and drove away, I turned back to see the dancers had taken their moves out into the sidewalk! Pretty funny!!!

Well, getting to Dr. M's brother's house was farther than he thought. In the amount of time that we were driving, we could have driven back to his house :). Too funny.

And then we had drama! The 2 oldest kids were being all crazy for us. As they were crazy, the little girl fell and cut her lip really bad. She was bleeding and even had shock. Dr. M and I ended up taking the 5 year old with us to buy bandages and pain numbing gel for the mouth. It was so sad! The craziness never would have happened if we hadn't been there.

During that night, Dr. M was in the garage talking to his brother and I was upstairs talking with his sis-in-law. I think it was nice to have some time with just her and I. I think she's someone I would like doing things with.

April 16th-17th - part 1

So, April 16th, I drove up to Seattle because my co-worker was there for a training. I wanted to participate in the training and see her method of doing things. So, I drove up Friday. Dr. M was working all day but I showed up at his office :) Surprise... well, I had to get texts for directions, so it was good that he found out I was coming up. I even brought him a Chili Relleno Burrito from our favorite Cheap mexican place in Portland. It was almost still warm!

I worked at his house for the afternoon, then met my co-worker for dinner. We went to a place called Anthony's. I thought the food was good but overpriced. It was down on the pier. B reminded me later that Anthony's is the place that everyone told us we have to go to in San Diego (just because it's on the water). We didn't go then.

Anyway, I did go back to Dr. M's house for a bit that night but we both had early mornings, so i couldn't stay long. He got up super early to go golfing. I had to be at my co-worker's hotel by 7 AM for us to get to the training. Fun times!

The training went way later than I thought. I thought we'd be done by 3-ish. We were done around 4. I left for my sister's house since my co-worker was going to stay with a friend that night.

We texted during the training:
" There are 2 guys in front of me. The course marshal invited me to join them. They scowled. Not nice guys. So they let me out alone. Got my ipod on. ... Retrospect, i wish i would have played w them. Cause i'm hitting it super long. I would have tried really hard. :)"

Dr. M had PROMISED that we would bike-ride no matter what that day. I even tried to let him out of it, but he was committed to making sure it happened (I think more so I couldn't tease that he was avoiding it).

Dr. M got stuck in traffic and I still tried to give him an out... but nope... we were going for a ride.

TEXTS:

Dr. M: Accident. On 405. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about checking traffic when i left. i'll do my best. We'll go for a ride no matter when i get there.

Later: wish i had a good camera. I'm stopped next to a clown in full makeup and stuff.

Me: Should we change plans?

Dr. M: Nope. We're biking. I don't case how bad weather is. Ok 5 mins from freeway now

He chose to ride my brother-in-laws great hybrid bike (BUT) it is for people with long torso's. I offered to switch, so about 5 miles in, Dr. M finally let me take over that bike. Yep - it was the torture device in disguise. It has the most uncomfortable seat!

We rode about 8 miles and were riding back when my sister just happens to drive by in her van (she and her 9 yr old had picked up dirt) - so she said hi and all that then drove by. All of a sudden, she came back driving back and yelling "huge hail stones up the road about 1 mile, you better get in".

So we threw our bikes in, C and I squatted in the back of the car with the dirt and Mike climbed into the front seat with my sister. - She drove us home. Funny thing is, the hail was there and it hurt while we got into the car, but then it was gone and nothing else was around after we got into the car and go closer to my sister's house. Too funny!

After getting back, Dr. M had planned on going to a Diners and Dives place. I chose a Greek place in North Seattle.

Almost 2 months of no posts

It's interesting to me that I don't post much right now. I think it's because my life is so crazy busy with work and then when I'm not at work, I'm traveling either for work or to see Dr. M that I don't take the time to summarize all the things that are happening in our lives. How sad. Someday, I'll want that record of what has happened in our lives. I've got the worst memory already... so it's important for me to write things down so I can REMEMBER :).

I'll work on summarizing our lives for the last few months.

We don't always get what we want...

Dr. M today: "Jacqui's husband just asked me to be on a 2 man team with him for a golf tournament. Problem is, it's the 15th of May.
Me: "you should go"
Dr. M: "But I'm scheduled to see you that weekend"
NOTE: I'll have been traveling for two weeks, so it's true, I told him I wouldn't travel that weekend and he'd have to come down.

Me: "Well, I'm scheduled to get married that day but we don't all get what we want :)."

but you should do it.

NOTE: I decided over 15 years ago, that I would someday get married on May 15th (My grandpa's birthdate). This is the last year I can get married on a Saturday in the temple for 3 years - because the temple isn't open on Sundays and Mondays and it's leap year in there somewhere.

Dr. M: we'll talk :)

Me: Hahaha - stumped you :)

Treat life like golf

When we're at the driving range and I hit a ball (poorly or great), Dr. M will ask me, "What were you focusing on." Me: "Everything". He asked me to catalog one time everything I was thinking of before I hit the ball:
1. Feet width and angle
2. Ball length
fingers overlapping
Club angle
Club position by ball
keeping feet on ground
bend arms but not too much
angle club handle to my left leg
...

you get the idea, the list is long.

Dr. M told me, you're doing xyz. I'll watch those things and tell you if they change, you focus on abc...

I seriously have an issue with focusing and trying to do Everything and remember everything.

Yesterday, I was talking to him about everything I need to do and how I am feeling overwhelmed and getting a little done on everything but not ONE thing. Dr. M pointed out, "Maybe you should treat it like golf". It took me a while to realize what he meant.

This morning, I sent him an email and said, "I just want to be 10 people so I can focus on everything" - I don't follow advice very well, but he is right.

It's not sexy...

I've decided one thing I really admire and like about Dr. M is his integrity. He is an honest person; even on things I'd be okay White-lying about. it's not something world thinks is sexy, but I really appreciate his integrity. It makes me feel safe and also just want to be more like that.

Smile

One of the first things about Dr. M that you'll notice, is his BIG GRIN! Seriously, it's a grin, not just a smile. His smile just makes me laugh. So, when I heard this song a few weeks ago, I decided it really was what described us.

Songs that make me think of you...

Dr. M texted me a couple weeks ago that he was listening to music while he was at the driving range, and the songs made him think of me. WHen I asked which songs, he said, "too personal".

Well, since then and even before that, I've been trying to figure out the songs that make me think of him or us or whatever :).

I just wrote about one of my favorite Keith Urban songs. That song meant something to me a while ago. I have one that describes me and how I feel about Dr. M:

(and as I look for the song on Youtube, i see many others I could post, so I'll post two here).
1.

2.Making Memories of Us - this is what I hope Dr. M is saying to me or will someday:

This isn't how I'm feeling now

It's really interesting to hear all the songs now - that just a few months ago, made me cry and process and work through the pain of losing a love that wasn't... I don't hurt any more and I don't relate to those songs any more. I hear them, and think, wow that song used to touch me and help me. I don't feel that way any more...

that's a great thing. That being said, I still have favorite songs. Keith Urban is one of my favorite singers. I'm a fan of his on Facebook and he posted a link to Kelly Clarkson doing a cover of his song: Tonight I'm going to cry. I really do love this song so I have to share.

Golf Widow? But we're not married

This weekend I was the equivalent of a golf widow but Dr. M and I aren't married. So I asked him what that made me? I decided that it made me Golf Dumped. So, as a golf dumpee- Dr. M played golf until 3 on Saturday and then we watched the Masters all week (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday). Yep, I watched golf on TV. And even was into it (a bit).

Mostly, I was into it because we entered a contest to win free stuff if Phil Mickelson won the masters. He won. I win a free golf club. I also entered two friends and my brother into the contest. If they don't want the club, then Dr. M can sell them on ebay and we'll make a little cash.

the catch? well one catch is the clubs don't come for 12-16 weeks. Funny that it takes 4 months to get your prize. By then, people will probably give up and just buy the club if they really want it.

Cramps!

I'm a girl who I think will have to admit I'm sick a lot. I have allergy attacks, ovarian cysts and bad cramps during my time of the month. Yep, it's true. Isn't that great to admit out there for the world? Ha ha. Well, this weekend was one of those weekends. CRAMPS! On saturday, I didn't tell Dr. M what was happening. I just don't want to be battling my being sick (had a cold 2 weekends ago), his being sick (he got a cold last weekend), my allergies, his allergies.... it's just non-stop. So I chose to say nothing.

But Sunday, I was there all day, so I just couldn't hide it.

It's interesting about me. I've discovered that I don't really want to cuddle all that much during this time. As much as I liked being with Dr M this weekend, I also didn't want to do much more than lay on the couch with him on the other side instead of my cuddled up leaning against him. TMI? just interesting for me. I don't think I've been too WITCHY. Maybe a little snarky this weekend, but other than that, just more tired and don't want to do much but hang-out.

Relationships really do cause you to know things about yourself.

Church

Yesterday, I attempted to go to Dr. M's ward. He told me that he didn't know what ward he belongs to any more (boundaries have changed). i thought I had read that church started at 9:30. Well, I was late leaving my sister's house. I arrived 9 minutes late for church, only to find out it started at 9. Also, my GPS thought the church was 1 block away from where it was. I couldn't see the steeple, but decided to keep looking around in the area and FINALLY found the church.

Oh well, I sat on the couch and listened to the talks on the atonement. After sacrament meeting, I saw a guy go into an office labeled, "Clerk's Office". I was trying to decide who I should ask about ward boundaries, when I knocked on the office and asked the guy there, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes" - he gave me a weird look so I think i was interrupting deep thought.
Me: "my friend isn't active, he lives over by X hospital and I'm wondering if this is the ward that he belongs to."
Him: "Yes... but the ward starts at 11" - so I realize then he's the clerk for the later ward, not the one I had just attended.
him: "who is it?"
Me: Ummmm... _____*I said the first name
Him: *he said the last name
Me: Yes.
Him: I know his brother.

AAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Dr. M had told me that his brother had a friend in the ward. I asked this guy not to say anything to Dr. M's brother. I just don't want to add pressure and said that if they send Missionaries, he won't open the door.

He asked me how I knew Dr. M, I said, "I'm dating him".

Anyway, it was very curious that the one person I would talk to would be the ONE person Dr. M had told me about in the ward. Is that a coincidence?

I wasn't sure what I was going to tell Dr. M. I don't want to have any secrets, but I also didn't want to add pressure. I told him part of the story when I go there, then later last night, I told him the rest of the story. He asked, "You've been mulling this over all day? I told him "no." I had decided not to tell "you". I asked if he was mad or anything or frustrated with me about it. He told me no. In fact, he thought it was funny that I met his brother's friend.

So, once again, no secrets from Dr. M.

I even told him about my nice little girl-cramps yesterday. it's what you get for spending so much time with someone.

I have found it interesting. I've never dated someone so regularly where we spend SO much time together. Once I'm with him, I'm around him for hours. I'll write more in my next post.

He cheats

Wow! Those words have a new meaning in my life after the past 12 months. But with Dr. M, we play games and he WINS! I've warned him I'm a poor/sore loser. I really am. I know it. Yesterday, we played Uno Attack. I won 3 games. He won 12 or something like that many!

We played Phase 10 dice. I think he let me win.

Lots of driving

I'm nearing my end of driving up here every weekend. Well, not really but I'm tired. I drove up here on Wednesday and I am leaving late tonight. My brother actually ended up taking the train up and wants a ride home. So, I stayed an extra day. And yes, an extra day is nice, but it's also hard if you haven't been home for almost a week and really, an extra WEEK DAY just means working somewhere other than home. Dr. M works until late - tonight he works until 7, so there's not much time for us to see each other. We're planning on going to the driving range but I think we'll run out of time. He wants to go look at a bike (cheap) so we will have something for him to ride with me. Last weekend, he bought a helmet. He has an extra large head, so we had to buy an extra-large helmet. We had borrowed one the week before, and I don't think it was much of a life-saving device. I was here last weekend and I'm coming up this weekend. After that, I'm not driving up again until my friend B and I go on our cruise to Alaska.

I sound like I'm complaining. I guess I am. But the reality is, being here since Wednesday has been nice. Usually, I assume, when you date someone, you would be able to see them on a regular basis. I've joked about being his weekends-only girlfriend. After this week, he said this makes me his full-time girlfriend. Really, I think it's nice that I've seen him 8-9 days out of the last 12. That's good for us. I think we need to see each other regularly. If I marry him, it will be an everyday thing to be together... with him, I feel like we never have enough time. It's like I get there, and then it's time to go back to my sister's (40 minute drive). Even yesterday, I went to see him right after church. I left just after midnight. Not enough time.

He's just fun. We just laugh and I like being able to just hang out with him.

You are Real

Dr. M texted me on Sunday, "you are real" in response to something I said. I find it interesting how he has used the word real a couple times this past month. He's real for me. REAL. It's a word that had great meaning in the conversations and my past relationship from last summer. Only this time it's got the depth and meaning truly behind the word.

Every once in a while, I look at pics of Mr. R and think about the past experience. It doesn't hurt. I don't wish or hope for him at all. I don't have any respect for what he put me through and the way he was and what he did. I can't believe I went through that. It's really why i'm offended (dislike) that my dad's first question was, "is he worthy to go to the temple". Mr. R was technically a temple attender, active, YM president.... all of those great things that we look for and look what he REALLY was.

I look at Dr. M and I know he's REAL. I know his Heart. I know who HE is. That's what is important to me. He's important to me.

Did you say you'd marry me?

In the midst of my conversation with Dr. M, I told him what I had told my parents, "I'll only marry you if I feel like we'll marry in the temple someday... that is to say that we'd be sealed in the temple someday."

"Did you just say you'd marry me?"

I stayed silent.

-- Right now, I feel like it's only a matter of time before Dr. M and I get married. Is that crazy? I feel this differently than I have with the other people I've dated. Maybe because my feelings are matched by the other person in the relationship.

In that conversation, I mentioned that after 3 months (we reached it last week), the guys disappear or the relationship for me just fades. He told me he isn't going to do that. And I know that. I just think it's interesting the timelines I've had in my life.

Dr. M said, the only reasons we would break up now are: 1)"he" messes up. 2). church 3). we get tired of the distance traveling.

So...that's where we're at. Ummmmmmm

Right now, we talk about eloping to New Zealand. I told him we can't, he doesn't have a valid passport. He suggested Idaho (NO), Montana (NO), some town in WA (NO).

Too funny. Although, it seems like eloping would be a good way to get married.... lots less stress in the process but we'd still have to deal with the after (friends and family and logistics of where we live).

Nephew Texting and family :)

This weekend, I conveniently was the driver for my nephew to a swim meet in the town near Dr. M's home. The whole three hours, my nephew texted on my phone, played games and played Pandora. It was interesting to hear his music choices. He's 14! I drove to the swimming pool, dropped of A, then drove to my sister's. I knew she and her husband were going on a kayaking date that afternoon. I found out Dr. M wasn't going to meet me at my sister's (so I could leave my car and we'd be in one car the rest of the day) until 2-ish (after golfing all morning). I called my sister to find out if she wanted to go to lunch before her date. She said, "hold on" and 10 minutes later, she got back on the phone and asked me to be the driver for them, to let them use my car to hold the kayaks at the pick-up point. Okay, that works for me. I'm super happy to help them, especially because I'm using their house as a sleeping point as I hang out 99% of the time with Dr. M.

I arrived and the kayaks weren't on their mini-van. There was some confusion but it's all good, I went with my sister to drop off my car. She really wanted Dr. M and I to stay and eat with them, either before they went on their date or after. I knew Dr. M was tired and he told me he was muddy. My sister was super insistent, so finally I gave in, texted Dr. M as a warning :) and let him know that she REALLY wanted us to eat. I told her we couldn't stay and watch her kids (they are over-protective of their kids and were nervous to leave the 13 and 12 year olds in charge) that we were hungry and we could eat THEN but not LATER.

Dr. M really wasn't muddy. He came in looking pretty good. Khaki pants, and a blue collared golf shirt. At the hem, he had some dried dirt, but really not MUDDY. We hung out for a bit and then went back to his house for a few hours.

I did a basketball March Madness bracket with Dr. M. There have been a million upsets. Dr. M told me that out of 5 million brackets on espn, none of them were accurate. CRAZY! Anyway, we watched Kansas (the #1 top seed) lose and then watched BYU lose to Kansas State. It wasn't a fun game to watch. They should have won. After that, we ran to get to dinner and then picked up my nephew.

We drove back to my sister's so he could go to bed early (he had to start swimming at 7 am on Sunday morning). My brother-in-law invited us to play "Ticket to Ride". It's a fun game, similar to settlers but more strategy in some ways. My sister ended up winning, she even had made me feel bad for her and I helped her cheat, but she still won! Oh well. It was a good evening.

Sunday, i took my nephew to swimming, hung out with Dr. M for an hour, picked up my nephew and drove home. It was a fast weekend!

In the midst of that 1 hour on Sunday, Dr. M and I talked about my conversation with my parents last week and the fact that he was getting more talk from his family. and more... but that's for another post.

What were the flags?

Monday night, my friend B and I went to dinner with 2 other single (30 somethings) from our area. I had never met one of the girls. It was fun to talk with them. The girl I hadn't met, Sasha, was previously married for 3 years. I knew this from my friend but the conversation also came up. B asked Sasha what she would see now as the red-flags. Sasha said that her husband had flashes of anger before they got married. She thought things would change when they got married. She ignored the fact that they fought all the time. She also said, that how he treated her was important and that he was secretive about things (addicted to porn and talking to other women).

Of course, I have to think about my current situation and relationship :).

When I got home, I walked in to find my roommates talking on the stairway. One of them was crying and when I asked why, she said, "Guys are so stupid". I agree! It's true.

I had to run and left my house 5 minutes later. As I was on my way, I called Dr. M. I had to tell him that I had spent the last few hours with several people talking about how stupid men are. I admitted that I contributed to the conversation but I also told him that I called because I just wanted to thank him because I don't have anything to complain about him. It's true.

He texted me later, "are you just saying things like that to make me fall for you more?"

Anyway, At that moment, I just needed to reinforce to him and me, that I really am happy with HIM. I am very spoiled to be dating Dr. M.

Do you know someone who was married before? What were their flags that they wish they had noticed?

Birthday surprise

6:50 AM on my birthday, I get a call from Dr. M. I can tell he's driving and don't technically know why (although I immediately suspected) because he doesn't go to work very early. I asked him where he was and he eventually told me that he was 10 minutes from my house. Well, I immediately got out of bed. I wasn't dressed! I was a mess!!! Luckily, I had taken a shower the night before and dried my hair, so I was okay in that area :).

So I quickly dressed, put on makeup, did my hair and looked out my bedroom door to tell my roommate, E, that Dr. M was coming. She said, "I KNow." So, dr. M had emailed my friend (he has her email from the hippo incident) and told her to warn my roommates.

Dr. M brought me breakfast! It was a whole cookie sheet of cinnamon rolls, sour cream scrambled eggs (ready to cook), juice, cut up mangoes and pineapple, and pineapple pie. He even brought everything in it's own dishes so that he wouldn't leave me a mess! WOW! and then, he had to turn around and drive the 3 hours to work for a meeting. So he only stayed for a few hours - but what a great birthday beginning. I loved it and it was extra amazing of him. He's crazy. 6 hours of driving with very little stopping at my house. But wow, breakfast was GOOD and he just earned major points!

MMMMMM, I think I'm still dreaming of those sticky buns. MMMMMMM. I posted on my facebook that, "i never knew what I was missing was dating a guy who could cook better than me and would drive 3 hours to bring me breakfast". Dr. M's sister saw the posting and gave him a hard time. She asked him what he made and he told her, "Scrambled eggs, nothing too over the top." Her response was, "not over the top but you drove 3 hours to bring her breakfast, leaving your house at 4 am". What's funny is, she doesn't know about all the other stuff he made me for breakfast. He minimized it to eggs!!!

I'm going to her house for Easter dinner, so we'll see if I let out the secret or not. She texted Dr. M this past Sunday and said that we get to sit at the kid table since only married people are adults. (as stated by one of his nieces).

Parental Involvement

Last Wednesday, my parents called to wish me a happy birthday. During the course of the conversation, I happened to bring up Dr. M a lot. I was talking about Memorial Day weekend and how I may invite him to go with me to the east coast, but that's all new territory for me... and then just that I had seen him last weekend and would be going up again to see him that next weekend... my dad's firs question was, "Is he worthy to go to he temple?" Now, while this is a valid question in some regards, I don't believe that it should be the #1 question someone is asked. I've NEVER talked to my dad about Dr. M - and to have him ask me that, I just don't think was appropriate.... I ignored he question but after my dad asked it 3 times, I finally said, "Dr. M doesn't go to church that often right now". Thus, began an hour+ long conversation with my parents.

Several things were said and while I have known this conversation was going to happen, i hadn't planned on it happening last week.

Things were said that I don't like and agree with and I'm sure vis a vis. I asked my parents to respect me and have the faith in me that I would only proceed with Dr. M because I felt right about it and did it with a lot of thought and prayer. My dad told me to pray (I do). He told me to talk to my bishop (I have)... I guess my frustration with my parents is they assume that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 33. Somehow, I might have figured some things out about life by now. I hope. I mentioned several people I know that have made a success of marrying someone who wasn't a member or wasn't active at the time of marriage. My mom: "they are the exception." I said multiple times, "I will only marry Dr. M if I feel confident that someday we will be sealed and married in the temple". It's true. That's what I believe. I can' marry Dr. M without that hope and faith. I'm not there yet. Dr. M, first of all we had not talked about marriage at all (other than joking about eloping to New Zealand), and then we still need to have several conversations about church and beliefs and gospel thoughts and future talk.... eeek! Really? I haven't really been in this situation. Life was simpler in my 20s.

When my dad asked me, "What would you say if your daughter came to you in 30 years and told you she was in this same situation" Me: "it wouldn't have been my first question".

Some of the things that bother me about what was said, is my dad said, "Do you want to be in an old maid..." and I interrupted and said, "I'm not dating Dr. M because I'm desperate or think I'm going to be an old maid... things would be easier in my life NOT to date him." My dad continued, "an old maid in heaven because you aren't sealed to Dr. M?"

My answer, "I'll be sealed to him". My dad, "What if you die first?" Me, "then his family will make sure we're sealed." And I can't tell you exactly how my dad said the following, but he actually implied that because Dr. M wouldn't choose church on earth, then in heaven, he has lost his chance if he dies and hasn't changed.

I strongly STRONGLY disagreed with that thought. I'm SORRY, but that's not what our church believes. I said, "NO WAY, that is BLACK and WHITE in the gospel, and he can be sealed to me if that's what happens..." I asked, "What about Sister Hunter growing up?" My dad, "I suspect her husband was an exception." Huh. REALLY!?!?!!?

My dad just admitted to believing in a double standard. For me, one thing about the gospel, there are no double standards. Also, I believe that in heaven, we have a God of mercy and there are a lot of circumstances and struggles that people have, and only GOD understands the full picture. ONLY God can be that judge and understand why. Only God can decide that something is worthy or not.

I date Dr. M for many reasons, but just 2 Sundays ago, as I was driving home, I realized that I don't believe I could meet someone who loves me more, who cares about me, who puts me first for a lot of things, who wants to make me happy and will do whatever it takes... but also just accepts and loves me for who I am today and however I will be in the future. He accepts and loves ME. Ge recognizes my strengths and weaknesses and loves me anyway. He helps me understand who I am, more than anyone else ever has. I've truly learned a lot about myself as I date him these last 3 months. I'm okay with the NOW ME who is with him, even though I want to improve (lose weight, career wise...), he could care less, he will love me no matter what.

Also, he is true to himself. Yes, we have to have a lot of gospel discussions and decide where that takes us. But, for me, it's line upon line. Dr. M has his dad and friends, family telling him to go back to church. I haven't in so many words said that "yet". Dr. M told me this past Sunday that since he's dating me, it's made his dad a lot bolder in saying things like, 'go back to church.'

Today, one week after my discussion with my parents, my dad emailed me a long letter and Elder Bednar's talk from October Conference. It talks about 3 steps: 1. Share love, 2. share testimony, 3. be consistent.

The irony for me is this is from my dad. huh. Well, people can change and I need to soften my heart in that regard. But in regards to the talk pertaining to Dr. M and I. I would say, what applies most (what is missing) is the sharing of testimony. I've shared some things more in the past weeks, but just little tidbits here and there. I don't make a sermon out of it, but allow myself to speak freely and if it flows into the conversation,then I allow it there. Otherwise, it is a discussion that is looming. We need more time together. Crazy, when we spend every weekend together, but wow, time goes by quickly on the weekends!

--- I know I'm jumping back and forth around the timeline, but that's what i do.---

Back to last week, after the conversation, I went to my brother's house and told him about my discussion with my parents. My brother said that what I need to do now is say, "that's it". I've been open with my parents but that's it. They need to leave me to my peace and my decisions.

When I got this letter this morning, I just sent a quick note back to my dad, "thank you and Elder Bednar is one of my favorite speakers". Gospel discussions are something I've never had with my dad and I don't really want to go there right now.

ON Sunday, I did briefly tell Dr. M about my conversation with my parents. I didn't go into details but told him enough. I also told him, that how my parents live and how I live are very different. I have changed certain things that I think are church culture and not gospel doctrine in my life. I'm okay with that. BUT, my parents don't know those things because they live so far away. I told Dr. M that if I married him, everything I did that my parents didn't like, they would blame him for. I truly believe that. I see that with my brother and his wife. My parents don't agree with certain things they do, they blame the wife. In my case, especially because he's not active but a member, i believe my parents will blame Dr. M.

Sad. I don't know how to just have them concentrate on the good, to not be heart-broken and fasting for the next month because of my choices.

One thing I did ask my parents to do is not tell my sister or brother-in-law about Dr. M's "status" in the church. I don't believe it's their business. I want them to like Dr M for who he is and how he treats me.

The aftermath....

When I started dating Mr. R, I told everyone I was dating a "great guy". It turns out I was wrong. So, with Dr. M, I was more cautious and a little more quiet.

Yesterday, I changed my relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship". I didn't think it informed people when I changed my status, but apparently did.

here are the comments I've received:
Janie, Drew, Katy and 3 others like this.

Micah: details please...
Yesterday at 2:25pm ·

Kristen: hmmmmm! Be expecting a call tomorrow.
Yesterday at 5:33pm ·

Erin W.: um, you can't just post that without more details. :-)
Yesterday at 6:11pm ·

Erin S. congrats! who's the lucky guy?!
Yesterday at 7:03pm ·

Me: WOW! Who knew this would go to the world when I changed the status. I didn't think it would inform everyone about the update! I'll have to change my settings.

I've been dating Dr. M since December. He lives [a ways away] so we're putting lots of miles on our cars :).
Yesterday at 9:15pm ·

Drew: Suzanne is happy for you and mad that you never tell her anything!
3 hours ago ·

Micah: I think this person needs to be properly vetted. Please send name, DOB, SSN, hair sample, a used tooth brush, photo ID, all major credit card numbers, a history of residence for the last 10 years, all emails, screen names, and aliases ever used, and anything else you think I might need. I hope you understand! Thanks.
about an hour ago ·

Becky F. wow - we all need a friend like Micah - to make sure the men in our lives aren't scary. :) (Although I don't think you have anything to worry about with Dr. M.)
about an hour ago ·

Me: Too funny! Micah, I'll work on getting you details. Hair samples might be a little hard, he's mostly bald. :)
about an hour ago ·

Geoffrey: I agree.... but all I need are his debit cards and pin numbers.
42 minutes ago via Email Reply ·

me: Dr. M works for a non-profit and said he's more than willing to let you take over his credit cards :)
6 minutes ago ·

I'm sure the comments will keep coming. Too fun!

Meeting your Half Orange

There is a book out called, "meeting your half orange - An utterly upbeat quide to using Dating optimism to find your perfect match" by Amy Spencer.

My friend, B, bought this book for herself, a friend in Utah and Me. We were supposed to read it and then when the friend from utah was visiting (last weekend) we were to have kind of a book club meeting and discuss.

I have to confess that I only read 60 pages and then started skimming. I still ran out of time. I don't know what's wrong with me but I've only been able to start books the last 5 months and not really read anything all the way through!?!?!

Anyway, the book is good (read the introduction). But she also talks about creating a dream board. This dream board isn't supposed to be about what your future mate will look at but MORE about the feeling you will have when you're with the person you love. So, after cutting out lots of images from different magazines on Friday night, I finally compiled my dream board today.

Birthdays and first meetings?

Dr. M's birthday is next Tuesday. I told him we'd celebrate it by having cheap Mexican and then I have a birthday cake for him (he doesn't know that part).

I just invited my brother and his wife to come to dinner too. Is that a lot of pressure? Dr. M hasn't met my brother yet. My brother's opinion is really really important to me.

The Cake:
I'm making Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream cake. When I asked Dr. M what he liked, he said chocolate cake and then he said, "but what I really like is mint chocolate chip ice cream cake"

Coincidentally, that was my favorite cake growing up. My mom figured out how to make it (she didn't want to pay Dairy Queen) and through trial and error found a great way to make the cake. Note - this was pre-internet where you couldn't just look up recipes :).

So, I've looked up lots of recipes and made up my own.

yesterday, I bought Keebler Grasshopper cookies and oreos. I crushed them together and made them as a crust that I've frozen for the bottom layer. I also froze an ice cream cake layer last night. This morning, I made another layer of ice cream on top of the crumb layer and put a crumb layer on top of it.

Do you know it takes a whole half gallon of ice cream to create a layer of cake in a 9" circle? Who knew!

Well, this is an experiment but I'm excited. I hope Dr. M likes it.

Little things

I think that I'll need to continue to add to this list, because there are things I randomly remember that Dr. M does and I really like them. They are also things that I've just wanted most of my life when I think of my significant other.

Little things:



* Dr. M said, "I don't really get mad..."
*he has picked me up and carried me - I've always wanted to feel small and petite with whomever I end up with.
*he said yes, when I told him I had a favor, before I even told him what it was
*he makes sure I'm safe before I drive home - insisting on 2 diet pepsi cans. I usually only take one.
*he likes me anyway... no matter what
*he misses me and is excited to see me - like he checked out the window lots of times last Wednesday, in hopes I would show up early.
*he makes me yummy food and just spoils me
*I like his friends

okay to avoid the risk of being mushy, I'll stop but he really is a great guy. I don't think I say that enough.

Even yesterday, my friend asked me, "you're not serious about him are you."? For me, I wouldn't be seeing him every week with this much effort involved (3 hours of driving) unless I was serious about him.

3000 Tattoos and stopped showering?

I told Dr. M that I was getting a Henna tattoo this past Friday. I love Henna (temporary tattoos). I get it done on my foot and it just looks cute. Anyway, he said that he doesn't like tattoos of any kind. But he always caviats things like that if it relates to me with a, 'but with you, you can do anything and I would be okay with it'. In this case, Dr. M told me that even if I got 3000 tattoos and stopped showering he would still like me. I told him that if that was the case with him, I don't think I'd still like him. Does he like me more than I like him? Ummmm, maybe. But really, if i know someone who goes to such extremes, there has to be something wrong with him, like being a Meth-head or something. So, no. I don't think I change my mind about that. Dr. M is not allowed to get 3000 tattoo or even 100 or 10. Maybe 1. :)....

He doesn't like them, so I won't worry about it.

Am I in love with love?

No, I don't think so. It's definitely something I want to be - in love - to love someone special for life and ever. I justify that I don't just fall in love with love - because I have dated others where if I had fallen in love with them, it would have been easier to be with them. I never did or couldn't ever fall in love with some of the guys I dated. Even those who would have told me that they love me. Jr. Mint was one of those. he would have told me for months but I never felt that way about him. And then there were others that if I had encouraged them, they would have dated me. I couldn't go there. I have this internal lying meter and I can only lie to myself for so long and then... it just doesn't work any more and I can't go there.

With Dr. M, I have moments, the last few weeks where I'll just think, "i love that about him"... Even yesterday, i was driving to meet some friends for lunch and I found myself smiling about Dr. M and something he said and just kind of laughing inside. I texted that to him. He had a good day yesterday. He said, after what I texted him, "how could he not". Yeah, I think I love him. But the scary thing is... telling him I love him will take us to a new level. It's unchartered territory. How do you act when you're in a relationship where he loves you and you love him? What does that mean? EEEK!

what is love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It has no envy, nor it boasts itself and it is never proud. It rejoices over the evil and is the truth seeker. Love protects; preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life. Always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. It is like the dream of your matter of affection coming true. Love can occur between two or more individuals. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt. The depth of love can not be measured. Look at the relationship between a mother and a child. The mother loves the child unconditionally and it can not be measured at all. A different dimension can be attained between any relationships with the magic of love. Love can be created. You just need to focus on the goodness of the other person. If this can be done easily, then you can also love easily. And remember we all have some positive aspect in us, no matter how bad our deeds maybe. And as God said �Love all�

Depending on context, love can be of different varieties. Romantic love is a deep, intense and unending. It shared on a very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship.

one of the moments...

Thursday night, I was supposed to drive home. I was still fighting my cold, so I decided that I would take a short nap and then leave after dinner around 7 or 8 at the latest. I'm not the best night driver. For Dr. M, I've been willing to look past that but it's still not the easiest thing for me.

So, i took a short nap, and then Dr. M and I were just talking when he said, "you know what?"
me, "What?"
Dr. M, "I love you."

PAUSE..... UMMMMMM

Me, "I....I...
Dr. M, "is that okay"
Me, "umm, yeah. ... I'm not ready to say it yet."

Dr. M, "it's okay" .... "you still have a lot of things you need to know..."

So, Dr. M proceeded to answer some of the questions that I had asked and wanted to know about. These are significant because they really truly have been reasons or gaps that caused me to keep the walls up and protect myself. I don't want to be hurt again. I want to know what I'm getting into with this relationship if we move forward.

They weren't stories that were easy for Dr. M to tell. He's never told them to his family or close friends.

It was pretty heavy and sad and a lot to think about. None of what he said, made me want to leave or end the relationship. It wasn't anything bad in a worldly way or anything but he's had to deal with things that have led him to believe certain ways. When I say things, his marriage and other things. It makes you wonder why things happen that way. We all go through that and have to decide what we're going to do about it.

Later, after we had talked for a while, Dr. M said he was hungry and asked what time it was. I didn't have my cell phone on me, so I said that it had to be about 8. He turned the tv to a channel that listed the time. It was 10 PM!

I'm glad we had that talk. I was wondering when that would happen.

I have a lot of hangups about when to have conversations. it's hard for me to talk about internal feelings anyway, so I was glad we were able to talk last Thursday. His birthday, my birthday, roommates around, valentines day... They are all my projected hangups of when NOT to talk. His birthday is next Tuesday.

But do you know!?!? Dr. M told me that he loved me. I've never had a boy love me when I wanted them to and had similar affection. It's a moment I've waited for all my life.

LPGA watch out!

So, Dr. M is into golf. REALLY into golf. So, Thursday, after working from my sister's in the morning. I went to lunch with my 9 year old niece. Then, I headed over to Dr. M's. We went to a golf lesson with a pro. Dr. M needed a little help on his swing (tweaks) so she spent most of the time with me. I learned a lot about my swing. I keep trying to turn my knees the wrong way, to not swing, to not move my foot and then I don't follow through with my swing. SOOOOO, I have a lot to work on! But it was fun. I've been to the driving range before, but never with serious intent to learn. I still don't see myself walking 18 holes but stranger things have happened. So, I don't say no.

Did I tell you about the conversation Dr. M and I had? He told me I didn't have to like golf. I told him he had to like cycling AND do it often. :). We'll see.

I heart you

Wednesday night I just happened to have a work thing near Dr. M's house. I had a cold and threatened not to visit Dr. M. He promised he wouldn't get sick. I made him take Airborne and Zicam when I got to his house. I think he didn't get sick. We watched the olympics and then I drove back to my sister's for the night.

CAUTION

I have a caution sign or tape around me. I think I have this because if I don't, and if Dr. M doesn't take it slow... I think it is admitting that I'm choosing Dr. M as my forever forever. That's scary to me.

I didn't have this up this past summer and I got hurt.

With Dr. M I've been scared that I've turned off all feeling. I like being with him. He makes me laugh. We have fun. I think we'd have a great future. the last few weeks +, i've felt myself thaw a little at a time.

Last night, he texted that he missed me. My heart flipped. It's started flipping this week. It was frozen for a long time. Not because I was pining for someone in the past but because I was protecting myself.

I'm getting close to opening myself up to Dr. M and I being an Us for forever. We still have a lot to talk about and figure out together and individually - so don't expect any announcements any time soon. I'm still taking my time.

MN is now Dr. M

He's not technically a doctor but he is a therapist, so I'm going to call him Dr. M.
:) 9 weeks and counting! I can't believe it. This is a relationship of a weekly basis (never had). I've never been in a normal relationship to be this frequent, where I want to openly admit we're dating (not stealth/ncmo) but real. What other people have.

Up until this last weekend (Valentines Day weekend) we've just been having fun and not really talked about anything serious. Not really. I know we're learning about each other but not really talking directly about "us". 2 weeks ago, we officially talked about us only exclusively dating each other. Last weekend was Valentines day.

he gave me a couple presents.
1. A hippo made of playdoh - because of December story
2. Cheesecake piece from Cheese cake factory - this is because we went there on our first date.
3. A necklace from the Wizard of Oz (Actually from Wicked) because we saw the movie. He said it was really hard to find things from Wof Oz that aren't too cheezy. It's a silver necklace with a Z in the center the "O" is the "O" shape of the necklace - so it's a little confusing. He had to explain it to me for a second. Along the "z" the word WICKED is written.
4. A card - with a note inside :)

It was really sweet and I couldn't believe he would give me 4 presents. I only got him 2 cards and a large Hershey kiss. I gave him the one card on Valentine's day and left the other card under his pillow for him to find that night.

Truth: I've never officially dated anyone over Valentine's day. Next month - we meet the hurdle of our birthdays. His is first. What do I get a guy, I'm dating, for his birthday?

He mentioned a helicopter alarm clock but I'm worried he's going to buy that before his birthday. I already ordered one. I also got a small golf game (made of dice) and a travel kit of Mexican train (he likes games and I don't think he has it).
I've thought about getting him a GPS (too expensive?), Bike gear (but then he'll get me golf gear), and I can't think of what else to get him. Just practical stuff (mixer because his broke...) but nothing is romantic.

I'm thinking of sneaking onto his cell to get his brother and friend's phone #s. Then I can text them for ideas for Dr. M's bday. is that elevating us up to a more serious relationship to have me contact his friends and fam?

hmmmmmm. HELP!?!?!?!

Update about MN

well, we've talked lots and met up lots. We did have one weekend off - but after that, we've been together every weekend. He came down Friday night (late) and I met him at Voo Doo donuts. He had driven down with a coworker. The co-worker had MN drive, so she did the texting for him while they drove down. The co-worker told me that she had a prophesy to tell me. When I got there, I found out the prophesy is that last two years his coworkers got married in July and August. So in August, they had decided that MN would get married in 2010 in September. They even picked out the date, the 18th.

Ummm.

Well, up until yesterday, we hadn't really defined that we were dating but, we are now dating exclusively.

He spent the weekend with me - we went to my niece's swim meet and he played with the younger 5 and 2 year old with me. We just relaxed most of the day and then went to a sports employee store (MN wanted Golf pants and they were 50% of the cost only didn't have his size). I bought snow pants. MN ended up ordering his size and could have them shipped for free. We had him ship the clothes to me so he wouldn't have to pay sales tax. So, now I can hold them for ransom. :)

yesterday, we went to church and then stopped at my brother's house. We ended up going with the kids to the park. My sister-inlaw told me that she thinks he'll make an incredible father. He's a good guy. My 5 year old niece was talking to MN and told him that Santa had died and that is why her dad dresses up as Santa each year. Anyway, my sis-in-law has a great picture of my niece talking to MN. Pretty cute.

Yesterday, she took some pictures of MN and I. I'm excited to have pictures of us. It just seems even more real to start having those kind of pictures.

He really cares about me and is just super amazing and complementary and funny and fun to be with. I just think he's a great guy.

More thoughts... MN (of course)

so, we talked on the phone on Tuesday and otherwise have just texted back and forth. yesterday, MN got a text from his sister-in-law:
MN: My sister in law texted me tonight to apologize for being inappropriate in front of you Saturday.
Me: When was she inappropriate?
MN: after a couple of texts, she said she felt bad at saying 'try to keep this one' as she left. :)
Me: So do u forgive her?
MN: Ha - I didn't even remember! yes, I assured her all was well. wait-are you offended?
Me: nope r u?
Me: D was dishing out similar words, It's only what I'd expect from a family of sarcasm.
MN: I really don't get offended at anything anyone says. Only people who drive rudely. That offends me. And derek fisher. I hate him...


...
...
MN: FWD from his sister-in-law: Oh yeah, can you tell me how old E is? I want to know if (Brother's name: J) or I (sis-in-law) was right?

MN: I don't really know the answer. :) but no matter what, i'm going to tell them 22.

...

MN: hahaha. She thought 22 was serious. I'll fwd the response. So good.
MN: FWD: Are you freakin kidding me? We were way off! We thought late 20s early 30s did that freak you out a little? its all about maturity anyway

MN: FWD: Haha, I almost had a heart attack!

------------------------
So plans for this weekend:
He's going to come down on Saturday and we're probably going to go see Avatar in 3D. Then my roommates have asked to meet him, so I think we'll do dinner. I was thinking we'd make dinner at home, since I really don't have to go out all the time. But we might just go do cheap mexican again :). We might just do dinner with the roommates or maybe play games after too. I don't know.

2 of my roommates have approved MN staying here. I have friends he can stay with but they will be out of town this weekend. He can stay at my brother's house but that just seems awkward to me. I'd have him go over there around 2 AM and then, that wouldn't be fun for him to be sleeping on the couch at 7 AM when the kids start waking up, so he'd come over here. What's the difference of those 5 hours?

Next week, I have to go to Olympia for work, so I'm going to go up to see MN and we're going to dinner with one of his really good friends, R. R lives in Utah but I guess will be here for a week. It'll be a late dinner since my event goes until 7.

Still... I'm meeting another important friend...

is this moving quickly or not? I can't decide.

Weekend #3 (cont) - Seattle - Jurassic Park 4 year old B-day party

The President of MN's fan club is the 4 year old son (L) of his good friend's T&D. D is in the mortgage business and they have a BEAUTIFUL home. This home had been transformed into Jurassic park, complete with dinosaur murals hung around the house and a nest of dinosaur eggs (the goodybags made out of paper mache eggs) in a nest by the front door.

We got there in time for lunch for all the adults. I met T's parents and D's bio-dad. I quickly realized in the next few hours that a 4 year old birthday party is also an excuse to have adults get together and socialize.

MN and I were in charge of the craft table. All the kids got to make dinosaur hangers and dinosaur door hangers. After that, once all the kids arrived, we had a "Reptile Man" come and bring snakes, tortoise and an alligator for the kids to touch and see. One of my favorite parts was putting the alligator to sleep. If you touch it's eyes, her head falls backwards and she falls asleep (her head falls backwards). It was pretty funny to watch. We saw a Burmese Python that had just eaten a 10 pound rabbit, so you could even see it inside it and move down farther it's long length.



There was a tortoise (land turtle). He had a beautiful shell! Apparently they can hold up to 100 pounds, so L the 4 year old got to ride the turtle. The turtle was quickly forgotten, with other snakes and animals coming out (including a boa constrictor the kids got to hold). I found the turtle wandering around and trying to eat the dinosaur eggs.



After the reptile man left, we had cake, and then L opened his presents. We ended up hanging out for about 2 hours after the party ended. Another of MN's friend's from grad school showed up, G, and so I got to talk with G and T a lot during the party/after the party - while we were trying to build all of L's new toys (they take a lot of work and reading of instructions! - lots of batteries, screws and rubberbands).

Before the party started, I talked with D a lot. T did her internship in gradschool with MN and they are basically a brother and sister relationship. MN had told me that T would be offended by that statement (a week before) but after the party was over, T told me that herself. At one point, MN didn't have family in the area and T&D became his family. MN even spent Christmas day at their house. So, when I got there, I openly said that I was expecting to get the "dirt" on MN.

D ended up talking with me about 30+ minutes about MN... all pretty good and nothing really as a major flag... i.e. MN likes legalized gambling (i.e. playing stocks. I did ask about MN's previous (long-term) girlfriend and told D that MN had told me that she was "mean" and that's what his friend's would say. T told me that she was controlling.

For example, MN told me that the girlfriend would have reacted negatively to MN's attempt at passing off someone else's play-doh hippo as his. I just thought it was funny.

After the party, as we drove away from the party, I just had this feeling that his friends were great and he just is a great guy ... and maybe this is something with a future.

We drove to my sister's house so that I could pick up my sister's car. We were going to park it at the airport for them to just pick up instead of having my mom come get them that Monday. Then, we just went back to MN's and watched a great new show (TRASH!). When we were talking the previous Monday, he saw that a show called, "Conveyor Belt of Love" was on. He recorded it and we watched it on that Saturday night. It was ummm, painful to watch. 5 women had to hear 60 second pitched from 30 men and choose which man they wanted to go on a date with. Yeah, ummm, classy.

After that, we watched one of my new favorite movies, "500 days of summer". One of my favorite quotes is when the guy is describing his "dream girl" (busty, blonde...) and then he says, "but my girlfriend? she's real". I really like that.

The story is about a guy who is in love with Summer. Summer likes the guy but doesn't believe in love. Eventually she breaks up with him and he is obsessed, sad, made and depressed... works through the loss of Summer. I don't know if that was the best movie for MN and I to watch. As I watched it, I feel like I can step back and say that Mr. R was my SUMMER this summer. And, now, I'm in this relationship with this guy who really likes me and I think we're similar in our beliefs of things and the way we phrase things. I just feel like I've locked up my heart or it was smashed and stolen and I don't know where it is... so I'm worried that I'm MN's 'Summer'.

I think he's really fun. We haven't talked about anything serious or defined who we are or even said, hey we're dating. We keep hanging out every weekend and we're meeting friends and family.

At the birthday party, I met his brother and sister-in-law and cute nephew and nieces. His sister called while we were at the party and wanted us to go have dinner at her house. I told MN that I was up for anything. he declined the invitation and once we got in the car to leave the party, i was glad. I was so tired but still had an evening with MN that I wanted to take advantage of. So, good move MN :). On the way to his house, MN met my mom and nieces. It was a 5 minute drop in, so not really a get to know you.

I planned on going home at midnight, but was exhausted. I told MN that I was going to take a 5 minute nap on his couch. He sat on the floor and watched tv. My 5 minutes turned into 30+. MN even asked if he could drive me back or if I could just sleep on the couch. I didn't think my mom would be very favorable of that. Eventually, I got up the energy to drive home and got back around 1 AM.

It's weird to worry about my mom since I didn't date in high school and didn't have to worry about making sure my date got me home ontime. I actually think my mom has been cool about this - my schedule.

The next day, Sunday, i went to church with my mom and the kids. I ate lunch with them (in hindsight, should have invited MN) and then headed over to MN's house. We vegged and then drove my sister's car over to the airport. You know one thing I like about that whole experience? When we were leaving the party is when I decided to ask MN to help with the whole car situation. I said, "so, will you help my sister...?" and he said, "yes" and I said, "you don't know what you're agreeing to!" I like that he didn't even hesitate to want to help.

Weekend #3 - Seattle

I drove up through horrible rain on Friday afternoon to get up to Seattle. My mom was still there to watch my sister's kids and I was supposed to go up on the weekends to help alleviate any stress. Well, that didn't happen since I was hardly there ...

My mom had given me a shopping list of items to get at Costco. I had a ton of things before I could actually leave town, so by the time I cashed checks, picked up dry-cleaning and got out of Portland, it was after 4. So, I went to the Costco just down the street from MN's house. Conveniently, that meant that I was there right around the time MN was getting home from his last client meeting (ended at 7).

So, we ended up meeting at Baja Fresh. MN experienced my Salsa compulsion. I grabbed several containers worth of the fresh salsa, two of the green, one of the brown salsa, 1 of lime and 1 of cilantro. In total, I had about 7 containers. While I was dishing it out, MN discovered that NONE of them were for him. Nope. I told him that he had to get his own :). He took a picture of my collection of containers. I don't have that picture, but it was similar to this:


So, afterwards, he told me that he had a surprise for me at his apartment, so I went back but told him I couldn't stay long (my mom was waiting to see me).

On Thursday, we had talked and MN had told me he was working on the meatballs for the Saturday birthday party we were going to. It turns out that he had 'lied' about what he was making. I had told MN that peanut butter and chocolate are a match made in heaven. I truly believe this!

Anyway, back at his apartment, MN made his 'award-winning' peanut butter chocolate chip cookies for me! He had 'won' 1st prize at his work cook-off a couple years ago. He made several dozen and ended up giving me a few dozen to take home. Since we had just eaten dinner, I was SOOOOO not hungry and felt really bad. Also, I've been on a 'try to avoid sugar and gluten diet' for the last few months and hadn't gotten around to tell MN that yet. So, I ate one and it was really good. He even heated it in the microwave for a few seconds so it would be like it came out of the oven. He's got cookin' skills.

I hung out for a bit and then headed home around 9pm. I got stuck in heavy traffic but made it to my sister's by 10. The kids were just in bed, so I hung out talking with my mom a bit.

Saturday morning, I had to leave at 10 to get to MN's. I didn't leave until 10:30 and then we were supposed to leave at 11 to go help setup things at the party. We didn't leave until 11:30. We had about a 40 minute drive since his friends T & D and his siblings all live in the same town north of the city.

I'll talk about the party in the posting above this one.

Weekend #2 of 3 in Seattle

So last weekend, i texted my way up to my sister's house as I drove... and jokingly was invited to dinner with MN's brother and sister. Apparently, MN's brother saw he was texting and asked about it... and it opened up the conversation of me.

Here's our text conversation... based on an earlier one, I knew he was probably going golfing in the cold (for many holes) because his brother wanted to - but he only wanted to go for a bit (which is saying a lot since I think MN is a little golf obsessed)...

Me: So who won the golf in the rain debate?
MN: [bro] did. We played twelve holes in severe wind, but then this rain started. It wasn't bright. We should have stopped, but we didn't quit. I can't feel my face.
Me: Ha!
MN: What are you doing? [bro] drove - we're going to fix my car then get dinner w my sister.
Me: Driving in ghastly rain. I just passed Olympia.
MN: Texting while driving? You rebel. :) We're going to put in new spark plugs. We just drove north on i 5 down there too.
Me: yep :)
Me: I thought you didn't know anything about cars?
MN: Well drive careful. I need to experience your rebelliousness tomorrow. :)
MN: I don't. He does. I hold the tools. btw if I were to step immediately in the shower, I'd be more dry than I am right now.
Me: I'd like to say I feel sorry for y but... ummmm... nope. Have fun at dinner.
MN: Not even a little sympathy? Just a though? wow. you know. I kind of wish I was seeing you tonight. :)
Me: Just kind of?
Me: Ummm sympathy for playing inn the rain on purpose?
MN: No. More than kind of. I didn't want to come off too strongly though.
MN: Yes.
Me: Ur Not.
MN: I'm not what? cold and wet and wind burned and wishing I was hanging w you and not my bro? Um yes. to all of those.


SO... he called me later when he was on his way to dinner and told me that his brother had seen him texting and that he knew he was going to be questioned at dinner...

ME: So how goes the topic of dinner? I hope it was short.. bt if they ask what I like about you since I haven't tried your cooking yet, just say your playdoh skills.

MN: Just going to diner right now. And it wonbt be 'short'. wait- you like me?:)
Me: You could tell 'em I like you cuz u r a hoot...

MN: How dare you. I'm not saying that. and really, they aren't going to believe a lot of what I say. They will want to interview you directly to see why you would like me at all.

MN: Now at dinner. :) Subject has started.

LATER....

MN: Wow. I got raked over the coals. Playfully of course. They especially enjoyed the playdoh hippo story and openly wondered why I would ever email a girl about hippos and or playdoh.

Me: Ha! Fun times. I just dropped my dad off at the airport.
----------------------------------

Hippos and Playdoh story

During our hike when MN came and visited me, I randomly started singing, "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" - MN didn't believe me that the song existed.

2 days later, I was at the zoo with my parents and my brother's kids. Sadly, the hippos were away but I emailed the youtube video of the song to MN.

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oOzszFIBcE&feature=youtube_gdata. Proof I didn't make up this song"

My dearest E[Me]--

This is proof you didn't make up the song? Really? First of all, youtube consitutes proof? But let's just say that it is--I'm astonished that you were able to put that video together and post it so quickly. But then again, with your job and all..........

So do you in fact really want a hippo for Christmas? (I'm not going to spell out the whole word "hippo" cause I'll get it wrong.) I can make one out of black playdoh for you! Let me know--

MN

MY RESPONSE TO MN:
I'm afraid to say that I've reached my quota on hippos (0) and while flattered, I do think it is strange (and I feel deprived) that you didn't show your playdoh skills off. I thought you were an expert?

Also, what is the disputing of the authenticity of YouTube? Are you sure you aren't a lawyer?
--------------
Hey [me]--

I made this hippo for you, but I guess I'll destroy it. But you've brought up bigger picture stuff here--

The exposure of my talents has been purposefully deliberate as to not bowl you over. And I kind of got the impression that it was working, so I'm going to continue with my strategy, deprived feelings or not. And while I'm not a lawyer, I told you about all the Grisham I read. And I've seen a Law and Order or two.


ME: Looks like a tarantula with a big nose.
Is that a bow on top?

MN: Ouch. You aren't impressed with it? Such high standards.

Later that night, I polled my family and sent MN the following:

Well, I asked the masses:
Camel, gorilla and hippo were the answers. Of course, when it was the size of my thumb on my phone - I still stand by my spider... after I downloaded it, the details came out a little better. it's cute. It must have been a long day at work for you to do that.

Hope you had a good night,

----------------
The next day:
I went spinning with my friend B. I polled her on the playdoh picture too. I really do think it looks like a hippo but I was trying to give MN a hard time.

Then later, we met for lunch. On my way there, i received the following email:
So I feel kind of dumb, cause I just got your text about dropping your dad at the airport. And you sent it like 90 minutes ago. I live 10 minutes from the airport, and I had just gotten home at the time! We could have had a mini bonus date. You know, we could have gotten ice cream or you could have scouted out the parking situation at my place or all sorts of things. But, no, not possible at all, because I didn't look at my phone until 3 minutes ago. And I didn't want to text you back, cause it is 11 now and that might be a bit late, right?

So, anyway, hope your night went well. ......

MN
------------
I laughed so hard when I received that! I had to read it to B at lunch. As we were there, we came up with the idea to have B email MN. She wrote the following:
----------
Hi MN, this is E's friend B. We met at dinner Satuday. I saw you hippo masterpiece and wondered if you could pass along any tips or tricks from your playdoh expertise. I might make it a relief society activity... :)
>
> -B
>
> PS. I guessed it was a hippo from the start.
>
> From my mobile

-------------------
FROM MN:
Hi B--

My hippo masterpiece? Wow. A relief society activity? As I'm guessing E has told you (and if she hasn't, this might be colossally embarassing,) my hippo masterpiece was fraudulent. I didn't really make it. I think, however, I could make a hippo if I wanted to. A better one, even if that might sound boastful.

But more than anything, I guess it is dawning on me that I didn't really know what I was stepping into here with this whole situation. She had you email me for playdoh tips? And you were willing and able? I'm extremely impressed and a little frightened. :)

MN

ps--making puppets out of brown paper bags is WAY better in relief society than anything you could make out of playdoh. Or at least that's what I've been told.

---------------

E showed me the hippo this morning while we were spinning. Then told me of your confession at lunch. The email was my idea so no need to be afraid. But next time you visit I might make you prove your playdoh and paper bag prowess.

- B

PS. You ARE a hoot.