New URL

I added the #2 to the url for this blog so I could go back to being anonymous and public. I know I don't really have readers - but still, I'm just wishing I had thought about it and just sent him some of the blogs instead of the actual url - but either way, there is no point in conversing with MR. R any more - and I don't want him to have access to my life.

balance argument vs discussion

"The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." -Dale Carnegie

Air force

I swear, I'm "this" close to joining the air force.

This weekend is the International Air show in my town. We're going to miss it because I promised my roommate I would go with her to see Crater Lake. Sad.

Still, they are practicing today. I really want to just go hop on a plane and start flying.

STAGES

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

so did I skip anger and go to bargaining and now I'm back to anger? depression? I think I'm done that too. I think this week was some of the "testing" stage too... so maybe now I'm at acceptance and just am moving forward for real.

I'm done talking about it with friends, family, and even with myself. I'm done.

it keeps coming back to the money

"Why'd you go on the trip anyway ... when you knew I couldn't afford it?"

It's a valid question - although the trip had already been paid for by the time I even got to visit Mr. R.

My answer for why I went on the trip - I was in shock. I wanted deny to myself that I had seen what I saw. I didn't know what to do. I looked AVIS rental car locations. I explored options in my head. Ultimately, I put my thoughts on hold and followed the advice of the homeless man. I wanted to have a fun weekend at the "happiest place on earth" and for the most part, I was able to forget what I had read

on Monday, when we were driving back to the city and my flight, i started losing it. I tried to suck it up...

so, do I refund the trip to Mr. R? This really isn't about money. For me, it's about honesty - but I'll pay him the money (I had already subsidized/doctored the cost to be less).

a possession in absence or unkindness...

“To be rich in admiration and free from envy, to rejoice greatly in the good of others, to love with such generosity of heart that your love is still a dear possession in absence or unkindness - these are the gifts which money cannot buy.”

—Robert Louis Stevenson

Baby doll...

To Whomever I date in the future, I never want to be called "baby". It's a word I don't like. I almost didn't mind it with Mr. R - but after seeing that at the same time as him calling me that, he was writing the YW Pres and calling her "baby doll". Yep - don't like that word at all any more. It's just skeezy.

Funny, he asked if it was okay for him to call me those words. I told him "sure" and he said, that those words are kind of possessive... huh, not serious or anything but possessive? So inconsistent. Make up your mind.

WOW - the anger has come

I didn't think it would but my last posting shows that I'm definitely just mad now. I'm mad about the injustice, the dishonesty and just the wrong-ness of it all. So, yeah for the anger stage... what's the next stage?

I've also decided that I will tell my roommate this weekend that it's over with Mr.R. I didn't want to tell them since i just had the 3rd roommate move in. I don't know what I'll tell her. I don't want to go into details. I'm thinking I'll just say we had different values and were in different places.

Doesn't compute

There are a lot of things that have been said that DON'T Compute. One thing - Apparently, the YW Pres was our 'biggest fan'. WHY? And how is that true. Again, not verbatim but in one of the emails, she tells him she has a favorite picture of him on the boat cruise that he and I went on. She also said, of course i wish it was me that was with you.

Really? That's a great fan to have.

Was it because she thought I'd be naive and be okay with her and him having any kind of relationship? Sorry, you already have a husband honey... why do you have to have 2 men? Sad.

Missing Girl found alive

Jaycee disappeared in 1991. 18 years ago. yesterday, she walked into a police station and told them who she is. She's alive.

Last week, I sat in a workshop with 2 parents of missing children and a survivor of sexual abuse. This is something that is unbelievable. I wish Jacob Wetterling would be found. It's 20 years since he went missing - and the families still HOPE that he is alive.

My life is nothing hard - compared to these people.

Senator Ted Kennedy

It's amazing to me that he has been in the senate since the 60's. What I think is great, is every one is quoting Senator Hatch when they talk about Ted Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy died two days ago. This "royal" family of America is getting very small through many sad tragedies.

Mean

Too bad I don't really feel that way... This is more my style... but I'm over it.

I'm the worst

After talking back and forth with Mr. R via email... it has become apparent that we ended up speaking apples and oranges and only hurting each other with blame. My intent of the exchange was for him to see what I was thinking and what made me do what I did. Instead, we both come up in the wrong and it just is an endless cycle. He told me that I was being mean in the emails. That wasn't what I was trying to be. Maybe if this wasn't done over email, but iuntil today, I've just been crying if I think about the situation. Today, I didn't cry. Mr. R isn't going to read the blog... he didn't see the point and he's probably right.

The biggest issue here is mine: I need to not fall any more... it's not worth it unless the boy is already there. Mr. R wasn't there. At one point, I thought he was headed in that direction... but he had other things occupying him

As for my theory of dating divorced guys, because maybe they have less issues than the ones who have been single all their lives..... it's out the window.

10 things I hate about you

I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call...

but mostly I hate that I don't hate you...not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

the bad years

Last night, my friend's visiting teachers came to Baja, after spinning. We got on the topic of our "bad" and "great" years. 22 was my year from hell. That's what I always said. I also always say I stopped aging at 27. That was a great year for me. But that means that I've been 27 for 5 years now. I don't know if I count this year as one of the bad yet. I don't regret anything. 4 months to go - how will this year go?

Crazy?

I've been thinking that people are supposed to do something crazy after an upsetting experience - something to just rejuvenate and start fresh.

I've had a few ideas... cut my hair short (I like it long). Die my hair (I've always wanted to try being a brunette)... go on a trip (can't afford it).

What did I do? I bought some home-improvement stuff. YEP... Crazy.

P.S. - I might still die my hair brown.

TRI

So, my bro has been trying to get me to go to the Triathlon with him that was about 4 hours south of here. I refused, initially because I had a date scheduled for that weekend. Huh. Then, because my good friend M & N are coming from DC to stay with me and go to a wedding. Now, I have no excuse because he found out there is a triathlon right here in my area. So... the last few days, we've gone to the lake. It was freezing yesterday and after putting on my wet-suit, I decided I was going to kayak and not swim. Charlie changed that. I was worried about Charlie - he just kept swimming and swimming. Can't he drown? Anyway, he tried to climb into my kayak and tipped me over. I had to swim with the boat, charlie and myself all the way back to shore. It took me 15 minutes to empty the kayak because it doesn't have an easy-drain like newer kayaks. My arm strength is minimal. Anyway, after yesterday, I've decided that I need to buy Charlie a dog life-jacket. Isn't that ridiculous?

The good news: The lake is about 70 degrees - way warmer that in it is outside the water.

This morning, we went to the lake again. This time we didn't take the kayaks so we could take my car. I "swam" 1/2 mile. I'm so ADD when it comes to swimming and I think I'll be very slow at the actual race. But at least I'm TRYING a TRI right?

Tonight, I'm going to ride around an island for 12 miles - so if I could fit a run in (which I'm not very good at all) then I'd have my TRI today.... just took me 12+ hours.

disclaimer

up until this posting, the blog has been written for my own purposes. A question of my motivations behind my actions has come up. The only way I could see defending my actions, was to have Mr. R see what I would say, when I have no one to judge. i now have invited Mr. R to view this blog. I will close the invite in a few days, as I do not want to be perceived as writing anything for the purposes of him/you to read.



The day is done
The sun sinks low
We fold up the blanket, it's time to go

Love? Me?

Mr. R asked me if I fall easily - and I didn't really respond. We were sitting in a fast food place and I was already crying because I just felt like it was over and I didn't know what to tell him.

The answer: I don't fall in love easily. I haven't been in love with anyone since N and to count the years - that would be 6 or 7 years. Since N, I've been in-like - but Mr. R - he was different. I was falling in love with him - and never told him. I was wanting him to tell me first - but I didn't know he wasn't free.

The weekend that he got back from his family, I had sent him a card with all the reasons I "liked" him:

It was a long list. And there was more I would have put on there if I hadn't been protecting my heart.

I guess it was good that I didn't put them on there.

I don't want to believe that what we had was a mirage - even though, I know... it's over.

MOVING ON....

The most hurtful...

The emails that stand out the most, I can't remember them verbatim, but the gist was - Mr. R was visiting his family in the east. We talked some that week. But, the email exchanges between him and the other woman... he talked about her being the closest person to him, that he wanted her to be part of his family...

Don't tell me you miss me, and then go on and email another girl about how much you want her to be part of your family....

Your feelings, your heart were elsewhere and I didn't have a clue.

that's what hurts...

reactions

I told a couple people in my family that I had had a good, civil email exchange with Mr. R - and the reactions are varied. My sister-in-law thinks that he's still lying to me. She said, that if Mr. R had been apologetic to me when this happened or at least not been so accusatory - that she'd feel better about this latest development.... but it's true. When I confronted Mr. R - he called the YW pres right away - and I got nasty emails from both of them about how WRONG it was that I would read his emails - forget what was going on between the two of them. Forget that what I would have read would be hurtful to read, for someone who thought they were in a relationship.

I keep playing over the emails that I read and I'm not sure what I think any more. I know that if I was trying to stop something or if I was working on something already, then isn't it the same thing as a drug - you shouldn't be around that "something"? Mr. R hadn't reached the point of stopping...

And then I wonder if I sabbotaged this relationship with Mr. R because our 2nd date was supposed to be labor day and I helped facilitate 3 meetings before that. So, if I'd been patient for Labor Day - would things be different?

Update

So, I got a voicemail from Mr. R today, asking if I had called his bishop out of wanting to "burn him on my way out" or out of concern. I told him that I had not come to that decision lightly. He thanked me for being honest and then told me that he had been working on this for a while - infact, the girl, the married woman, was one of our biggest fans and thought I was the right girl for him.

I'm sad. In ways, I feel like yes, i was guided to find out what was happening - and yet, now, based on the emails with Mr. R - I feel like, maybe he would have told me someday and we could have worked through it and had a stronger relationship despite the struggle of what he was going through. Is that horrible to think that? What if he and the YW Pres weren't having a relationship (ANYMORE) and he was working his way through it all and that I ruined a good thing?

And now, I feel like I've burned the bridge with him; by making this public to him and his bishop...and telling him what I found out, that I've ruined any future for us.

I really did feel like he was so many things of what I was looking for in my future, forever companion, I felt like Heavenly Father had facilitated the meetings... too many little things just clicked, and I ruined it. Or maybe I didn't - but if I hadn't read those emails, Mr. R could have told me his struggles, someday, and we could have worked through them... in due time instead of my jumping the gun.

Hmmmm... food for thought. Moral of the story: Don't read people's personal emails EVER! It's not worth it - because you don't get the whole story. AND even if you end up there by accident... doesn't mean you can keep reading just because you find out that the person you're dating is having an affair.... let them tell you - or stop where you're at and confront them about the first email instead of keep reading.

Well, this is my life.

Confession: I flirt with married men

Last week, I was at a huge conference. I hung out with a whole bunch of my married Guy friends (mostly guys are at this conference). NOTE: Their ages range from 30 to mostly 50/60. It was fun to flirt and just have fun.

I told a complete stranger that I had just found out the guy i was dating was having an affair with a married woman. He told me "the last great guy went off the market 13 years ago" - when he met his wife. He was so in love with his wife and kids. It was fun to just joke around with him -

Still, I danced and flirted with these married men.

BUT - it didn't go anywhere. And if they tried to dance closer than I wanted - I moved away. I even danced with my good friend M (wish I could meet a single/taller version of him) 3 times. He is someone I trust completely. He has 2 kids and a great wife and - wow, it doesn't matter how drunk or crazy he gets, he's always faithful to her.

He boosted my ego this last week. It was nice to know from him that he thought I was a great catch. Now if I could just meet a great guy (LDS) who thought that.

Someone else's Story: Chess - not another board game - but still ironic

Long ago
In someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name
Who looked a lot like me
Came to know
A man and made a promise
He only had to say
And that's where she would be
Lately
Although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
And yet I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?

In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Sadly
She realized she'd left him behind
And sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind
And though there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?

It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.

I could be
In someone else's story
In someone else's life
And he could be in mine
I don't see
A reason to be lonely
I could take my chances
Further down the line
And if
That girl I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate she needn't ask me twice
[FLORENCE]
Long ago
In someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name
Who looked a lot like me
Came to know
A man and made a promise
He only had to say
And that's where she would be
Lately
Although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
And yet I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?

In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Sadly
She realized she'd left him behind
And sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind
And though there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?

It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.

I could be
In someone else's story
In someone else's life
And he could be in mine
I don't see
A reason to be lonely
I could take my chances
Further down the line
And if
That girl I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate she needn't ask me twice
Go now!
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is, the girl is me
The story is, the girl is me.
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is, the girl is me
The story is, the girl is me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUUAK-fLFYU - Look up Lea Salonga singing this song.

There's a fine, fine line...

A friend from PA sent me a CD today. This song hit me hard:

Kate Monster:
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

It's from Avenue Q. I think what we had was real.

Kkkk

I think of the YW pres as KKK - although I know that's wrong, so I'll add another K. But still. her initials are such that I've just had that in my mind.

So this is a note to the women who are married and wanting to have an affair. Don't do it. Do you understand that not only you are hurt but the man and the other people in his life that he lies to. Yep. It's a big circle of hurt. KKKK - she's at fault too. How sad. You have a husband. You have a daughter. You allow something to happen. You have responsibilities for the YW in your ward! Do you even know the values? it isn't all Mr. R's fault. i hold you completely accountable. If you hadn't been there in his lowest time, when his divorce was almost final... if you hadn't been there and allowed yourself to go there... maybe Mr. R and I would have had a chance. yes, it's a choice that both of you took the step to be in an affair... but it took two. YOU and Mr. R.

I think it's just sick and wrong what you (KKKK) did. And then, you wrote me and tried to be my "friend". You were "our biggest fan" but still finding joy in the danger of having this relationship with Mr. R. Sick and wrong.

YEAH! for Friends

It's been an interesting month. My roommates (2 of them) hate me right now because I got a 3rd roommate. I told them that I got the 3rd one, so that I could afford my life... when it was looking like trips to California would be on the agenda. Anyway, those trips are no longer happening - but I still haven't told my 2 roommates. I'm scared that they'll get mad that we have the 3rd roommate and I'm not going anywhere any more. So, I talked with my PA Friend, D, is going to watch for subleases for me in the DC area. I'm thinking I might just move around for a while and just try living in different areas, hang out with friends and "work" remotely from other areas. It'd be fun for a while. Although, it will be hard to leave Charlie.

Other than that... for now, I have plans in October:

My PA friends are all getting together over Columbus day weekend. I really want to be there. I told my parents (who recently moved to Delaware) and they said, "well maybe we'll have to make a trip to PA." I'm horrible but I uninvited my parents. I'm sorry, but they never did hang out with my friends when I was growing up there, why would I change that now?

Last week, I wrote a friend, K, in Utah. It's been interesting, the damage control - I told a lot of people I was excited about this relationship with Mr. R. Funny, because I didn't tell as many people about K - the guy i was dating in 2007/08. Anyway, that means I have to do damage control. So, I emailed K and let her know that it was over with Mr. R. I didn't give her details.... turns out, they are coming to the Northwest in October. And, her husband J, knows a guy who is tall and funny. K is going to check on the looks :) but we'll see. Really, I'm just more excited that K and J are coming and that I get to meet her baby boy (born in May). I'm hoping I can get her to take the train down here to visit me, and then I can drive her back up to Seattle.

We'll see - still, October is looking like a great month of reuniting with my friends.

Linger - great song by Jonatha Brooke

I am walking past the sprinklers and the newly painted porches
And the lemonade stand girls on a suburban afternoon
I am leaving cuz I love you, I am leaving cuz I don't
And I am hoping you will follow, and I'm praying that you won't
Let me go

I am captive in your presence I will melt before your eyes
But I still crave your approval, and I'm helpless when you criticize, criticize

Cuz it's written on your body -- it's on the tip of your tongue
The look in your eyes, in the glare of the sun
The touch of your cold fingers, when you say goodbye
The way that you linger
The way that you lie

You saw me through the keyhole of a door that I kept locked
But I'd decorate the threshold just in case you knocked
What I might feel on the edges you will never come to know
And who I might be in the corners I will never ever ever ever show
Never show

Cuz it's written on my body -- it's on the tip of my tongue
The look in my eyes, in the glare of the sun
The touch of my cold fingers, when I say goodbye
The way that I linger
The way that I lie

Who said that love would linger who said that love would last
When we cannot seize the moment and we will not leave the past
I don't think I was afraid of you but how could I be sure
When with every altercation you were showing me the door
Well here I go, here I go, here I go...

Cuz it's written on our bodies -- it's on the tip of our tongues
The look in our eyes, in the glare of the sun
The touch of our cold fingers, when we say goodbye
The way that we linger
The way that we lie
The touch of your fingers
The look in your eyes
The way we accuse
The way we deny

Everyone says...

My friends say that Mr. R purposely made me feel bad and that it's good that I got out of the relationship with him - but I really really will miss him. I can't help but think that despite his having a whole 'nother relationship going on simultaneously, I believe that we were REAL. I gave up something REAL.

I gave it up because I didn't believe he was doing something right - and I was shocked and horrified.

I give him up - in the hopes and faith that there is someone out there better for me. I want someone great.

I guess what Mr. R was doing wasn't great - but if he changed, wasn't doing the other relationship any more - wouldn't I still be giving up something great?

These are the thoughts that go through my head - AND i know - that I really shouldn't go along those lines.

I burned the bridges by telling Mr. R what I found out. I could have just broken up with him. I could have just prolonged the break-up. I burned the bridges

Eye in the Sky - Cover by Jonatha Brooke

I went to a concert at the zoo this last week. I hadn't really heard many of Jonatha's songs but I really like her sound. She's very Dar-esque and I like that style a lot lately.

You Don't Know Me

This song makes me laugh and just makes me happy and want to sing: (WARNING: SWEAR WORD F$@#) is in this song - not on the radio version I've always heard).

I wanna ask you
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me anything)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

I thought Love was black and white...

I don't know what I've done; Or if I like what I've begun; But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head; LIttle voices whispering; That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you; All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you; All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could; She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white; That it was wrong or it was right; But you ain't leaving without a fight; And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you; All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you; All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could; She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call; You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all; But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you; This is what I have to do; 'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you; All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you; All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could; She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood;

Missy Higgins: "Where I Stood"

I know deep down that it's a good thing I burned the bridge with Mr. R/B. But he's been my daily companion - even from a distance and I miss him. I have a void.

I'm doing great sometimes and then - I was standing in the line at SkyHarbor and started wanting to ball when I heard this song on my mp3 player.

trust has been lost...but I miss him.

I know that what he did wasn't right and it was good that I ran. But I miss him.

I know that I did what was necessary, that I followed the spirit when I talked with him; that I was lead by Heavenly father to find out what I did about Mr. R and the YW President. It still doesn't take away the hurt.

I look forward to the anger stage - but it's slow in coming/staying.

This next week, I'll be at a conference that hopefully (it usually does) rejuvenates me. I look forward to seeing my friends and coworkers and hopefully forgetting the events of the past 10 days.

It was sad to me, today, because I realized my return flight purposely flies through Mr. R's town. I was going to suggest (after Disneyland) that I stay over for a few days, so we'd have more time together. Hmmmm - guess I'm just laying over there and will not call him. I know I can't. I know I won't. I know he won't. But I'm sad.

it only takes 1

I called one of the mutual facebook friends that Mr. R and I had and let her know that we had broken up. I didn't give her details. I just let her know that it didn't end well. If he says anything to her, he will tell her one side and I would tell her another.

I don't know if he will contact her but I thought I should be safe.

She told me this quote from another friend of ours, "it only takes 1".

The man I marry will be the 1... i obviously haven't met him yet. My brother gave me a blessing on Monday night and it said that "he is being prepared." I look forward to us both being prepared (does that mean I'm willing to go through more trials like this?) and finally getting to meet each other.

... it's what the homeless man said

When I found out about Mr. R/B - I was stunned and shocked and didn't know what to do. I drove back to the city and was gassing up. A homeless man came up to me. I was leary of him but he saw something in my face, stopped his direction of begging and said, "you look like you've lost your best friend" - and in a way I have. I lost the hope of my best friend that would be my forever friend.

I choked back the tears and the man came closer to me. He looked straight at me and sa

id, "it's a man isn't it" - well, don't let him make you cry. Men aren't worth your tears. Don't let them make you cry. it should be the other way around"

By this time, I had tears going down my cheeks.

I took the man's answer to mean that I should go on with Mr. R on the weekend and make the decision later. I was in too much shock to do anything. In hindsight, I know I wish I had been stronger and left immediately. In hindsight, I know I wasn't strong enough. I will miss Mr. R a lot. I will miss the potential of something great. I thought we had something that was real and will forever be sad that I was played that well.

The Lord cares.... he proved that to me in a big way this weekend

This friday, I was visiting B and we were about to drive down from Northern Cal to Disneyland (a 6 hour+ drive). We went into the city for him to work and he realized that he left his phone at home. I had time to kill, so I drove back and decided to do my conference call (for work) there and use his computer. While on his computer, I ended up on his facebook page (automatic login). I went to the inbox and saw that I had a bunch of unread emails. I clicked on one and realized I was in HIS facebook (not mine). Anyway, the email I clicked on was "curious" and so I ended up reading more. I found some emails between him and another girl. I found out that he was in love with her and wants to be with her - that he'd been meeting her.

Not a big deal right? I mean, we're not technically exclusive... but shouldn't he have told me that he was in love with someone else - and I'm guessing having a physical relationship with this girl?

What kills me is, I thought he was the first guy I'd met in a bazillion years who actually honors his priesthood and women - but then, I find out he has this whole other relationship going on.

So here's my question to the masses:

If you found out the YM president was having an affair with the married (and mother of a 3 year old) YW president in the ward, what would you do?

My action plan:

1. Break up with B. I don't want to.

2. Figure out if it's my place to call the bishop and let him know that two people in YOUTH Leadership roles in his ward are carrying on an inappropriate relationship.

3. Get on with my life.

4. Find a guy better than B - huh, shouldn't be too hard to do right? I don't know any more but I really hope that I do not become more cynical about this. I still want to be hopeful that a great guy is out there. I thought he was one.

I'm back to the song, "STAY" but I'm the "other woman" in a different way than I was with K in 2008.

What I'm most grateful for, is knowing that the Lord made it possible for me to find out about B and this woman NOW. I didn't move down to California to sublease for a few months, I didn't get engaged or marry this man. I'm not finding out in years to come. I find out now - before I'm completely even more invested than I have been.

I also keep coming back to the spouse in the relationship. I don't know what their relationship is like but if I were the spouse of someone having an affair, i would want someone to tell me what was going on. It's not my place.

Follow up on my July visit

When I visited B in July, we went to church together. I told him I wanted to go to church but we could go to another ward. He is the one that decided we'd go to his ward. While there, I met the YW pres that always writes on his facebook. I met her counselor - who it turns out I knew her and her husband in DC... but it's been 9 years since she moved.

Yesterday, B went back to his ward for the first time since I was there (he's been traveling since). He told me that "everyone asked about me" or talked about me with him.

I said, "i didn't talk to that many people"

He said, "You didn't have to talk to people for them to notice how cute you are" - you know - he said something else but that's the gist of it -- but he said it way better.

Anyway, I'm flattered. It's funny.

B said, when I told him I'd given him the choice about going to HIS ward... "I just knew that if I brought you, i wouldn't be able to bring another girl to the ward... or atleast for along time."

I definitely thought that my going to his ward was a lot of pressure, more on him - but on me that day too.

but it went better than i thought (course we only ended up staying for Sacrament meeting and a little before after for meetings he had).

Mars and Venus - it's true

So, about a week ago, I picked up "Mars and Venus on a Date" in my stack of social-psychology books that I own. I started skimming the chapters and found it relateable. It's scary but my insecurities and all of that are described in the book... and basically, I learned that I can work through that or freak out and then the relationship would go no where. It's funny how stepping back and holding back the insecurities was the right decision.

Last week, B had to go to the east coast for a trip. Before he left, he said he planned on getting lots done/ reading/ getting back to a schedule of some sort - and that we probably wouldn't talk that much on the phone.

Last week: I had to go to Northern California to help move my grandparent's to an assisted living facility. It was a very rough, emotional, mentally, physically draining experience.

Maybe because it was a rough week, or maybe just because - B called me about 3 times a day and emailed. It was great to have the break and hear his voice and just have a moment to relax.

I'm excited to see him this weekend. It's going to be a long drive to Disneyland but I'm excited to have that 6 hours of dedicated time with him (each way). B has a book from his boss, "the asssassination of Jesse James" and we're going to read it over the weekend. B read the first few paragraphs to me last night. I think it'll be good, I like that B likes to read (mostly books about string theory lately and physics) but that he's always learning. I need to read better books than my fluff fiction. I actually haven't been reading much lately. I did read a book called the "forever war" that B had read (another one borrowed from his boss). Other than that, I miss having the time/mental energy to read. My days are packed; I work all day, go to spinning at 6:30 to 7:30 and then go to Baja for dinner (side salad with all you can eat salsas).