is that too much pressure....

If a person moves to be in the same town as a person they are just starting to date... does that put too much pressure on the relationship? I think that the way I'm contemplating doing a "temporary" move - only puts more pressure on things. If I say, hey, I'm going to come down for the months of September and October... where does that get us? Is that a good thing? There are a couple options, I can find out about LDS housing coordinators and what they know. I can also write some family members and ask if I can stay with them for a few months and pay them a small rent. They live about 30 miles from Mr. R. But when I think about doing this, I feel like it puts pressure on - "2 months or bust" - yet aren't we putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to figure things out over the phone-mance?

head and heart; 2 steps forward 2 steps back?

I had an interesting couple weeks since I last wrote. It's somewhat scary (if you stop and think about it) to develop a relationship with someone you know more on the phone than in person. I haven't really been stopping to think about it - but more going with the feeling of - this just feels right, I'm going to go for it... and Mr. R seems to be doing the same thing...

Last week, i was staying with family for a personal trip and then friends for a business trip. This made it so there wasn't very much privacy or time to speak with Mr. R. We ended up doing a lot of talking on IM or just quick calls to hear eachother's voices.

Friday night, at the end of a chat he said, "Let me be your boyfriend". While I had kind of expected this to come up sometime soon, I thought it wouldn't until we see each other next weekend - in person. I wasn't sure how to respond but put, "if that makes me your girlfriend". I guess we didn't say - okay we're officially Bf and gf - but I felt like the undercurrent was there.

Saturday night, for reasons beyond my control, I didn't get a lot of sleep and so ended up spending most of the time IMing (during a movie) with Mr. R and then talking with him in the middle of the night. It was a good conversation, a hard one for me - I tend to not expose myself vocally or expose what makes me click to people... so this was a conversation that was important to have and share with him. I felt like we were moving forward... maybe still a little too quickly for being a Phone-mance or mostly a relationship on the phone (take it in a very clean mormon way). I have to tell you, that in the 5 days leading up to Sunday, my heart had been flipping and skipping and just things were said and I really truly felt that I was more than head over heals just falling for him - but had fallen. I've never felt this way before.

Sunday, after only about an hour of sleep, I went to the airport and caught my flight home.

Sunday night, I guess I wasn't prepared for the conversation we were about to have. Basically, Mr. R stepped back a couple steps. Here are some things that were said:

• "tell me I'm over-analyzing things"
• "don't ever get divorced"
• "I just don't want to jump into something like I did in my first marriage"
• On the phone he talked about how he's finding himself at a cross-roads. One direction is choosing to enter into a committed dating relationship with me - and if he does that, he won't look back; the 2nd is to be open to dating lots and not committing to anything right now - or at least slowing things way down because they are going fast for a relationship that is primarily on the phone.
• "I'm not a player" (note that this came up because I jokingly have called him one but even after Sunday's conversations, I don't see him as a player)
• I'm taking a trip this weekend and I'm meeting a girl for lunch that I've been talking with online for a while....

okay, so this conversation floored me. I wasn't mad - but definitely sad. If this conversation had happened on Thursday, it wouldn't have hurt as much as it did on Sunday. I feel like we had certain conversations on Friday and Saturday that made Sunday's a surprise. The conversation ended, it was late, he told me he was going to bed.

I had been in the middle of looking at facebook when he called me, so I went back and I went to update my status. I put "...".

Mr. R was still online.

Here's the conversation:

1:23 PM Mr. R: what did you just put on FB?

me: ...

Go to sleep

11:24 PM Mr. R: tell me

11:25 PM me: I didn't put anything on fb. Just ...

Mr. R: stuff for special friends? And blank to everyone else?

kidding

11:26 PM me: Yep secret dot language

Have to have a special key

Mr. R: oh...just saw the ellipses

i get it

11:27 PM i think i overthought stuff now I feel like a turd...and i have lost points

(you're gone...?)

me: Cuz I'm keeping score [note: I've told him that I'm not keeping score].

11:28 PM Mr. R: "..." is code to your fam/friends that you met a weirdo

36 minutes

I, really wish that i had put "...huh..." on facebook because really, that's what I was feeling more than just "...". I just was floored and really just had nothing verbalizing itself to me - but somehow wanted to put something.

Anyway, it's my fault for dramatizing the fb comments, so I called Mr. R and we talked a little longer. I didn't want him to feel bad. I told him that my "..." was just me venting and I'm already over it and really was - wishing i hadn't vented. I feel like that's manipulation on my part and that's not my end goal here. I appreciate that he's honest with me, he told me that he wanted to tell me and be honest with me... and that's important; Even if the truth hurts, right?

So when I called him, he told me that in between the two calls, he emailed the girl and told her that he has feelings for me and that regardless, he's going on a roadtrip over the 4th and if she still wanted to meet for lunch, he'd be game. ....Huh... what am I supposed to say?

There's so much more that was said and I just don't know how to summarize it all. We ended the call on an okay note and that was that.

One statement that stood out to me later was, he said, 'my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. '

IN all honesty, my heart broke a little on Sunday night. If I didn't already have a flight out to visit him, I might have just ended things there and said, "figure out who you want and then call me" but because I have the flight, it made me stick around and really work through this, with myself and with him. I really and honestly believe that he's worth it and that we're working on a forever relationship... which means, I need to work through my insecurities, and he needs to know that he's not just rushing into something he won't want to be in. Ultimately, I only want this relationship to be right because we both want to be in it.. for the long haul.

So, a couple things happened on Monday. Again, I hadn't slept. Also, when I did talk on the phone with mr. R, i was a little more reserved with him. I didn't necessarily want to be this way but I feel like, based on the conversation with him on Sunday night, that my heart has gone into 'preservation mode'. I guess, I need to communicate this to Mr. R but I didn't want to talk about it when we just talk so briefly during the day. So, Monday night, I went to spinning and then dinner until 8:30 - I got a call from Mr. R as I was on my way to pick up my dog at my brother's house. i called and talked with him a little bit outside the house. He could tell that I was holding back a little bit or that things weren't completely the same for me but I brushed it off and just told him that I'd call him when I got home.

Monday, 9 PM - we ended up talking until 11 PM. By the end of the conversation, I feel just better about our relationship. I feel like we're on solid ground. At the same time, we're not back where we were on Friday and Saturday. I'm still holding back my heart. I'm thinking that... I was on that cross road. Now, I've stepped back like he has. I've not put a wall around my heart but I've put up caution tape. My heart is tied down and Not allowed to flip over. I think that I'll remain reserved until we're together in person, or atleast until this weekend is over and he's seen the girl. But that's where it gets tricky... I'm not sure he's still seeing the girl and I don't want to ask. The reason i don't want to ask is I feel like this is something he has to work through on his own. This is between him, his feelings, and whoever else he is writing or talking with. I did tell him, last night, after a while, that "i missed" him. He said, "really?, You haven't said that in a while." I guess that was my opening to tell him about my self-preservation but I feel like I need to work through my insecurities, and let him work through what he needs to and that now isn't the time to talk with. It would be nice to be able to see eachother in person more.

Am I being passive-agressive, or smart?

Here's another thing why Sunday hurt. When he called, I'd been online, about to write a friend that used to live in mr. R's area. I wanted to know if there was a housing listserv I could get on to maybe sublease a place for a few months.

It's not the ideal situation but... if we're going to need to see each other everyday, I think I'm the one that has to move. Problem is, I own a house. Now is not the time to sell my house. I'd be in debt, lose money... who knows... but I don't feel like that is the right step right now. So, when Mr. R stepped back Sunday night. I stepped back. I didn't tell him I had been thinking of the housing options... and yet, since Sunday night, he's said, "move down here". It's so hard. In conversation, there are words that come out as wants but not really sincerely expecting an answer in the positive, and that's where figuring out when someone is saying a wish but not a real need comes into play.

So as a side note - about the head and heart. I have never had my head and heart in agreement about anyone I've dated. I've rationalized (head) myself into relationships and I've been in love (heart) but my mind hasn't let me go there in other relationships. With Mr. R... I feel like he has both. Or would, if he wants them.

When God made one attractive man, he didn’t shut down the factory. There are many more,”

I was looking at Dr. Phil's line up for this week. Today's show is about teens and goes along with what I do at work. Anyway, i came across Dr. Phil's Monday show. It's all about understanding men. Well, one of the men thinks he's god's gift to women and that he doesn't ahve to do anything to get them to want him (probably true because women don't value themselves as much as they should). But one of the women on the show told the guy, " When God made one attractive man, he didn’t shut down the factory. There are many more,”

I love it! What a great comeback. It's something that we as women should remember so that we know that if one guy doesn't work out - there's gotta be someone else out there.

As for me and Mr. R.... we're still going strong so I don't mean to put in a negative posting here.... We need to work out how we're going to see each other sooner than later.

You see the world a lot like I do. I like that.

I just got an email from Mr. R this morning. The title of this post let's you know a little of what he said... he also talked about how he can still smell campfire and can't get it off... I pulled my pillow out of my car this morning. I don't think I'll ever wash it.

Seriously, I just think our sense of humor matches. I love to be sarcastic in a kind of corny way - and I think Mr. R and I match that. Actually, that would probably be the biggest turn off for my sister's family and my parents but I AM DIFFERENT than my parents. I just wish we had more time together face-to-face. I think we do see things in the same ways and really just connect. I've never been more open with a guy - never not held back. I don't know what will happen - but I really hope that we end up somewhere together.

Prime Real Estate for falling in love

I am working and watching the bachelorette. She said, "being ontop of a glacier is prime-realestate for falling in love".... well, I think Camping for a weekend is prime real estate for falling in-l***. I'm not in love but I'm definitely in like. I could sit across the picnic table with that guy and just see him and think - he's a face I could look at the rest of my life... that didn't scare me. It excited me.

Twitterpated - but still being smart... I promise

I'm twitterpated.  Mr. R left me a message today.  I didn't check my cell phone until hours after he had left it.  

This is the message:

Hi, this is B. R.

Yeah, well, I don't remember if you remember me.... B. R.  

We went out...

in San Jose when you were down here

(mumbles something like it was really funny)

we're going camping...

call me....(other ramblings)

....

talk to you later....

Anyway, it makes me smile.  

When I called him back, he said, "You do remember me..."

Anyway, it's probably coming off as dorky but it's cute and funny and I'm excited to see him.  Do I really have to get through a week before that?  

Beware of family....

So, my brother is coming with me to visit my grandparents.  Because he'll be there, my brother will meet Mr. R.  I've been upfront about my camping with just him and that we'll probably be in one tent.  My brother has already made the comment that he'll confront Mr. R and say "so you're sleeping with my sister..."  My bro also doesn't want me telling his kids what I'm doing.  That's fine.  There's a big difference between doing this when you're 20 or a teenager and doing it now when I'm in my 30's and Mr. R is 40.  Neither one of us wants to do anything that would (as my roommate thinks I'll need to) make me need to go and talk with the bishop when I get back.  

It's a 2nd date!  Well a 3 night, 2 day 2nd date but still!  

With my grandma, because she'll meet Mr. R - I've decided to tell my grandma that we have 2 tents (which we will).  Still, it's going to be an adventure to see how the interaction goes with my bro and Mr. R.  

This is actually a really good test - just I probably wouldn't choose it to happen so quickly in a relationship.  I've always said I want to marry someone like my bro.  And someone who gets along with my bro.  So, here's hoping....

"Special" boy - really? how sad...

This is from theonion.com

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

changes by the hour...

I think I'm just giving up my free Jetblue flight.  The flights on the west coast are few and far between.  It's almost more convenient to buy a full-price ticket (almost the same price) then to deal with the Jetblue schedule.  So, at this point, Mr. R and I are planning on camping in Northern California.  I'm going to see my grandparents and he likes the town up there - so we'll meet there. Granted, I have a 7.5 hour drive and he gets a 4 hour drive... but maybe, assuming we want to meet again, he can do the longer drive next time.

This is all becoming a little surreal to me.  I still can't believe that a guy wants to spend a weekend with me, when it's only the 2nd date!  We have talked a lot recently, so that's been interesting too. We talked on the phone last night for almost 2 hours.  Still, we're mostly staying away from serious topics.  I'm of the mind that those should happen in person - which is what got me in trouble with K.... we were hardly in person and things should have been said and they weren't.  Hopefully, with Mr. R - we can change that.  But still, we've only been on one date.  

Here's what is interesting - we'll be getting together on June 12th - our first date was on May 13th.  Maybe this will be a monthly anniversary thing.... but see there, I'm setting myself up for a fall when I talk like that.  I'm going on this trip - for the fun and to get to know Mr. R better.  I can't expect much more than that.  He just got divorced, so although I haven't talked about this with him, I could be just a rebound relationship and he'll go on to find someone else.  I'm taking a chance but going with an open mind.  

so not Jamaica....

But Viva las Vegas!  Here we come.  So, Mr. R has free hotel nights in Vegas and it's looking like we might go next weekend (not this one but the next)... or we could go the weekend after the 4th of July.  It all depends if the hotel has openings.  He left the phone # to the hotel at home today so i won't know until later.

Here's the funny thing, I think we'll end up on the same flights during our lay overs.  Well, he'll have a direct flight to Vegas but I'll be flying down to his city before the flight goes on to Vegas.  

It's really strange because I'm really not one who does something like this - and yet I feel really good about it.  As I've talked with people about this situation, they all say that it's almost easier to go now on a trip than later, when a relationship is in full-swing.  So at this point, like our first date, we have no expectations except to have fun... so Vegas (much closer, easier to get too, more affordable) here we come....

probably.... (i add that word because the tickets and hotel are not booked).  

I did look up the Hotel suites and wow!  They are really nice and definitely have space for privacy.  This should be an interesting experience  = I think that we're both going with the idea to have fun.  Mr. R said that Vegas is hurting so much right now that it's just really easy to get Vegas to pay you to visit the city.  

We'll catch some show(s), visit the city, if possible, I'd like to go to the Hoover Dam... and it's all good.  AND no... we won't be visiting the drive-up window at the Las Vegas Temple or anywhere else.

Smiles.