MN and our dates - yep plural

I went out with MN to dinner on Friday night. I listened to my sister when she said it would only take 20 minutes. I left 40 minutes early but went the wrong way on the road (My GPS tried to take me into HOV lanes) so I ended up being 20 minutes late. The good news is, MN was 10 minutes late. When I met him at the restaurant, he had already got a table and so we went straight to sitting down.

I opened the menu and he told me he always ordered the same thing "the purple stuff" - it's literally a purple sauce on noodles and chicken. So, I went for that.

After dinner, we went to the mall and went Christmas shopping and then he drove me back to my car and we talked for about an hour parked by my car.

So, while we were talking, he mentioned that one of his top 5 movies was playing at a special screening downtown and would I want to go on Saturday. So, we made plans to meet again on Saturday for lunch and then the movie.

So, that's the outline of the date... so my impressions and thoughts...

You know what I like about MN? He freely smiles. He just gets a kick out of things and just smiles and I like it. I just get the impression (and don't get turned off by my saying this because this is a good thing) that we could become really great friends and have a lot of fun together...

Tonight

so, tonight I'm going out with a guy named MN. I think it'll be fun. We've been trading short emails (solely about meeting) for over a month... so I really know nothing about him, other than the fact that he is a great guy and friend of a friend. We've been out already but tonight's the first one-on-one... with possibility of doing something tomorrow. Which I think is funny.. it's only if you get an "a" will you get the reward tomorrow. so if we both walk away tonight going, hmmm, nice girl/guy - but... well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I'll keep you posted...

This is the best present idea! Guy is hot too!

Time to Grow Up

So, I recently sent my resume to a professional company to review. They reviewed it for free but for the CHEAP price of $695, they will help me write my resume professionally.

So the critique: that my resume was an entry level resume and that I need to completely re-work it.

I need to know how to sell myself better. Search for executive CVs and you pull up a whole different look than what I've used.

If I'm going to look for a new job (something that is hopefully an improvement of what I currently have) then it's time for me to come up with a "grown-up" resume.

Love Addict

Yesterday, Oprah featured Sex Addicts and Love Addicts. I thought that what they had to say was interesting. So, I questioned myself: Am I a love Addict?

The girl on there was addicted to one boy for 12 years. She would get her "fix" by driving by and seeing him. She contacted him all the time and wanted to talk with him. She couldn't get over him. She's currently been obsessed with the same guy for 3 years. I have had 3 year long relationships with guys. I have had relationships or been 'in-like' with boys for 3 years. My current problem is with Mr. R. We're going to hit the 7 month mark in December. We only talked for 3 months and then didn't for 2 and then we've talked off and on since them. I'm heart broken by him. I worry that I'm obsessed with someone that won't happen... and yet, I've felt like he was "the one" for me. So... how do I make sure I'm not Love Addicted and that this is based on true thoughts?

I think that I am not love addicted. eventually, I'll let go. My theory is that girls don't let go until there is another boy... but eventually, I'll have to let go. I am open to new possibilities. I don't completely believe in them but I'm making myself be open to possibilities.

I have started to participate in my ward activities a little more. I've gone to and plan on going to the holiday party events. I go to Mid-singles activities. I'm open to dating this Mr. MN - we'll see. Just have to get my heart out there and meet someone who wants it and I want.

New beginnings

It's interesting to see where life takes you. I've come to the conclusion (it's been building for months) that I need to find a new job. I think that the mission of my organization, in some ways, has run it's course. Technology is so integrated into everyday life, that we're back to just be a good citizen and and the basics - and it applies to everything we do. Instead, my organization separates out the technology from everyday life. Society has moved beyond that. So... I think that I may be out of a job in the next year and it might be good to jump ship now.

Yesterday, I went to FHE, which I hardly ever do. I ended up talking with this girl who was visiting. She gave me her card and I may be talking with her about job opportunities with her company. Her company is on my list that I made a month ago. I don't have any "in's" there but now, maybe I do. What's interesting, is she works in a city near where Mr. R lives. Also, she helped alleviate some of my stress of moving to a new city and being single LDS. It seems like they have a good single's opportunity for people my age.

So... here's my hesitation. All the jobs I'm interested in are in California, Washington, Boston, NYC, or DC. Nothing is where I'm living. So what do I do? A huge chunk of the major companies I want to work for are in California. I actually hesitate in applying BECAUSE mr. R lives there. i don't want to be perceived as moving there for him. But, I'm also just working on MY future, so the chances of running into him are slim. I just know where i WON't LIVE - in that city :).

And then, I hesitate because I OWN a house. Well, the bank owns it, but still... the stress of having to consolidate - because everywhere I move would be more EXPENSIVE and smaller. Do I rent my house out? At this time, I don't think I could sell my house for what I bought it for. Or, maybe I can just barely sell it for that. So, do i rent it out? I need a job that will pay moving expensives and make up the difference in housing costs.

I don't have a job anywhere else yet, so I'm counting my chickens before they hatch. Still, It's a lot to consider. I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF!!

I need to consolidate and eliminate. I'll probably end up renting my house to my current roommates at a cut cost. Then, I will have to pay out of pocket for the cost I can't cover and for my rent wherever I do move. It's a lot to consider. I hope that I move up in salary. I really don't think I can live on less than I'm earning now.

Interesting turns that life takes. I don't know where I'll end up. I'm thinking that I will spend this weekend getting organized and eliminating. Next week, I will begin submitting my resume and outreaching to friends. I want to have my sister help me with my resume and letters. maybe. At the same time, she's been out of the corporate world for a while and I feel like my field is specialized in a different way. I may need to just concentrate and do this on my own.

Funny thing is, I've considered moving back to the east coast. I have friends there. I'm familiar with it. They have a great singles program, especially compared to my current city.

Then, there's also the option of joining the Air Force or Navy. I've seriously considered that as an option. The retirement would be set. That'd be nice to not worry about it. Problem is, am I someone who can always take orders from other people and let them "own" me for 20 years?

If I move to a big city in California, how am I going to afford becoming a foster mom when I'm 34? It doesn't compute with my internal time-line.

So... there is just a lot up in the air and I'm just now letting myself face it.

You are my Edward... only...

Only way cuter, less morose, and not so much a vampire. But you are my Edward. I can't get you out of my mind. But, I'm going to. Because I have to. I deserve better - someone who wants to be with me.

how much time = serious?

When do you officially become serious about someone?

After how many dates, conversations, nights, days, how much time constitutes serious?
3 months was the time frame of knowing Mr. R.

11 nights and 9 days was the timeframe in person. 170+ online conversations/emails and countless phone calls.

Some people date for a month and get serious enough to be engaged. Others date for 2 years... me, I last about 3-6 months with someone and we never reach "serious". So, what am I missing in the element of me to get past the point of "hanging out"?

tonight, last night, the other night...

So Mr. R is really "outdoing himself" here. I guess because he doesn't want to start us talking via email... and I promised not to contact him any more, he has decided to just communicate on Gchat. What's funny, is he doesn't think I'm on and has been on "show that he's on" more than he usually does. He usually looks like he's not logged on, but really is. Anyway, he is trying to send a message. Thanks for coming... tonight... last night... and now it says 'the other night'. I'm sorry, but I refuse to acknowledge that I've seen that message.

It's nice to know in someway, that at least he's thought about me the last 4 days. ha! Turn about is fair play right?

Too little...

Last night, I attended the play of Mr. R. He did a great job and played a great older bratter step-brother to the main character. It was a small community theatre that maybe holds 100 people. There were 20 there. I'm assuming Thursday nights are normally low numbers. Anyway, before going, I had corresponded with Mr. R 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Two of the correspondence went unanswered. So, at the point of going to the play last night, I wasn't sure I would even talk with him. I also couldn't get lost in the crowd, since there were so few of us there. He looked good - no goatee and I'm really a fan of the goatee but... he looked good. He's supposed to be 25 and he's 40, so he was limited in what he could to look younger. I don't think I told him he looked good, I just asked if he was going to start wearing those 1880s suits to work or start wearing a bow-tie from now on. I wasn't prepared to say anything, because I didn't know anything would be said.

After the play, all the cast members came out and met the audience. I saw him come out - but I wasn't going to go up to him. He came up, we said hi, then he gave me a hug. My friend and I talked with him a bit. He asked if we came to his town just to see his play - and I think we convinced him we came for other reasons. We did. The other reasons, on Wednesday my friend BF and I, helped her good friend paint her garage and seal the floor. Her friend had just moved into a house - so it was fun to help her out. On Thursday, day, we visited with my old roommate and walked around a part of her city that we'd never been too. Then we headed up to the town Mr. R lives in and we ate Puerto Rican food for dinner. So flavorful! Mr. R had taken me there back in July - and while, yes, Mr. R took me there, I don't have bad memories of the place.

When I mentioned that to BF, she said that she had seen when we were first entering the city that day (I was on my cell phone dealing with work), that she saw me make a face. And yep, she's right. I did make a face. I was remembering that at one time, I was on a boat that went near that bridge and was great and beautiful on the harbor. It was a beautiful night that is forever blemished because it's the one time that Ms. YW references something I was involved in. Ms. YW had written wishing she was there instead of me.

Anyway, I'm digressing. So, we found our way to the barn for the play and it went well. Mr. R talked with both BF and I. He noticed my dyed hair. I interrupted him - but I think he said it looked good. Actually, when I first gave him a hug, he said, "what you're taller than me now" - so the shoes I was wearing had some heals to them. I've worn heals around him before - but guess it's been a while.

Mr. R mentioned that his bishop was coming tonight (Friday) to his play. I told him to say "hi". Mr. R then said, yeah, because he liked talking with you." We all laughed, sort of, then BF walked away and Mr R and I talked for a second more and then he said, take care of yourself, and gave me a hug. I thought it would be just brief but he held on. And I didn't know what to do. If we hadn't been in a room with a bunch of people, I would have held on too - but I can't go there. Not when he doesn't answer my emails and I start to feel like I'm being a stalker.

And we left.

As we started driving to BF's grandparents (1 hour away), I noticed that Mr. R had gotten home and put on his gmail chat:
Thanks to who came to the show tonight. You know who you are. You looked good."

I didn't respond. I logged on (because I look invisible right now on my gchat status) for about a second but then went back to being invisible. He kept the status on for a long time last night and he is back on today (he usually doesn't go on during work). I'm not responding, I'm not even going to look like I'm on. He needs to be a little less passive if he's willing to be my friend again. I'm done putting myself out there and have said what I need to say... with no response from him.

Last night I dreamed that he called and left me a message, where he was saying what he said in the gchat but then also started saying, 'maybe saturday we can... no you're driving home that day, that won't work...let's talk next week'

When I woke, I realized the voicemail was just a figment of my imagination.

look again

Rachel Hansen: Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Next time you look back, I think you should look again

There are signs everywhere and Obsession

I think I've hit the borderline of obsession and I'm stopping now. I'm sending one closing email to the man and then I'm done. Except I'm not, I'm going to his play this Thursday. Then, I'm done. HA!

Anyway, I was driving home from a conference on Friday afternoon and I saw a big rainbow right there in front of me. In fact, the way we were driving, I was going to run right into the pot of gold. here's the even funnier thing. The pot of gold was right over the sign for the town named after Mr. R.

Ha Ha! problem is, I think I've lost my faith in the fact that Mr. R and I are supposed to end up together or even friends.

Smiles!

UPDATE: I posted the picture on my facebook but didn't really put a comment, just mentioned the rainbow and driving right into it. So, then, my sister, who is STRONGLY opposed to anything EVER happening with MR. R again, wrote on the comments for the picture "it's a sign" - ha! if she only knew what she was 'supporting'.

Donating to a good cause

Great Quote - Elder Ballard at the Boston YSA Conference

Elder Ballard included this promise to the single adults: "Take comfort in the fact that you can work and study the gospel and gain a witness and testimony of the gospel, strong enough that your Spirit will be able to withstand any adversity that may come into your life."

He concluded his remarks with some advice on marriage. "I know you probably want me to talk about marriage," he said. "That's pretty simple. Just find somebody and get married. That's not a hard thing — just do it! Just remember one other thing in the pursuit of that — that none of you are perfect. You're not going to find the exact perfect person. Don't just hang out. Visit with each other. Go on dates."

Who do you sleep with?

I know - poorly worded question. But I sleep in a queen bed, alone. I'm not dating anyone and I have to say that one of my favorite things is to cuddle... but only with a great guy and hopefully the next time I cuddle with anyone (not in my bed unless we're married) is the person I marry.

So why do I ask this question? Because I have started sleeping with my 5 pound weights on the other side of my bed. My plan? To use them while I read. I read in bed on a daily basis almost and also need to work on my arms (My least favorite body part).

So I decided to name them. Lucas and Josh.

Yep, that's who I'm sleeping with. They're a good workout and they're good for me. And chances are - they won't cheat on me or bring me heart ache. In fact, they can only be good for my heart.

Words to live by

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”

—Henry Ellis
(1721-1806); 2nd royal governor of Georgia, US

Exploring Lady Antebellum

This is fun! I like Jim Brickman and apparently he's featured in their video on Youtube for the song, "Never Alone" To me, this song is a wish I have for all my friends and for myself too. It's some words to live by.



May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Chorus: Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

well
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Chorus

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

UPDATE: I hope someday that this is one of the lullabies that I sing to my children.

As far as set up goes... I like their judgement

I've been set up on blind dates before and they usually end up into interesting stories. Like the time we thought the guy would be cool because his dad was... and the time where my friends went on the blind date with me and then made fun of me afterwards because I was so stand-offish with the guy or we kept our distance and were awkward with each other.

Anyway, Saturday night, my friend and I went to Seattle to visit her husband at a conference. He has a friend that lives there and so he texted him/called him up and told him that he wanted to set him (M) up with a friend of his wife's. So we ended up all going to dinner at a seafood restaurant, then the guy (M) played tour guide and took us around the city. After years of visiting the city, this was the first time we went to the top of the space needle. We ended the night with dessert.

So my impressions? He was fun and nice. Is nice the kiss of death and a word I shouldn't use? I don't know, you only learn so much on a double date where it's a setup and the guy M is catching up with my friend's husband too... so it was comfortable, they didn't make fun of how I acted with him afterwards... I don't know what else to say.

We got the scoop from her husband and I guess he asked M directly what he thought - and he ended up texting M my cell phone #. We work in fields that compliment each other so I actually gave him my card yesterday - so he has my home # and work email. But that's because I genuinely wanted to give him info that will help him with his job. So it's kind of funny.

Will I see him again. I'd be open to going out again. Do I sound unenthusiastic? I'm not - really. I think it'd be fun. But I don't get super excited about a guy just because I met him. I don't know anything about him. J, my friend's husband, mentioned that he doesn't know the level of church activity for M. And as I've been through some interesting experiences, it's interesting how that has not become THE most important thing for me, and yet it is. Huh. Where to compromise and draw the line. Of course, I know nothing about whether M is active or not - so I'm not saying anything about him but it is interesting to think about. In light of recent experiences, am I open to dating someone not active?

My biggest thing has been that the guy needs to be true to who he is and what he believes. I like that because then it means the guy is either active in the church or he's not a member and believes what he believes.

In light of recent events, am I open to someone who isn't active? I don't know. If we were talking about Mr. R and I getting back together, I'm open to dating him - but he's active in the church - just has taken a detour and is back on track.

This is my problem, why do options have to happen all at once? If I had met M in April, then there wouldn't be a question about going out with him and pursuing something.

Because it's November and I had a summer romance, I gave my heart away back in July. I don't know if it's been given back to me. I don't know if Mr. R wants it, will use it, crush it, give it back. I don't know. AND I don't want to hurt M in my unknowing.

Love this group

I have been up late a lot this month... and I'm really liking a couple Country groups lately. I really like their harmonies in their songs. Anyway, as I'm up very late - usually around 1 and looking at the clock, I think of this song.

You should look up Lady Antebellum and Gloriana. This song above is Lady Antebellum. The reason this song plays through my head should be obvious but I'll spell it out... one of the lines is "It's a quarter after one..." and it usually is when I start singing this song.

Can you name the song?

I w y 2 w m. I n y 2 n m. I l y 2 l m. I b y t b m.

Just fun

Overall, October has been a great month! I've had an amazing time just catching up with friends that I haven't seen or talked with in a while. What a great time to just feel like I'm loved. I feel so blessed to have amazing friends and just have had the opportunities to have these girls (yes, mostly girls) in my life. It makes me want to be a better friend.

New Artist: Ingrid Michaelson

I really like this artist.
The first song I knew of hers was "Take me the way that I am"



The latest on the radio:

Try to not like him

So, in the past few months, I've tried to come up with a list of things I don't like about Mr. R - it's pretty shallow, but if you're trying to talk yourself out of a relationship, sometimes it is good to concentrate on the negative. This is what I came up with:

1. Car - it's American. I'm a fan of the Toyota/Honda brands. (SHALLOW!)

2. Debt (but I have a lot of debt too -mainly my house - so I'm a hypocrite)

3. At disneyland I think he was overcompensating for my tenseness and he showed off a little bit of turrets or something... it was very little boy-like. But we were at disneyland...

4. habits - I'll keep these anonymous but there are a few habits that he likes that are borderline - but not horrible/bad.

5. Family Guy is his favorite show. This show is pretty crude to me. I am often to serious for satire and need to appreciate it more.

6. The movie we went to together. It was SHOCKING and we shouldn't have gone to it. It was just too crude for my tastes, but I picked it over other ones.

7. that's it....nothing that is really a deal breaker or not fixable... not that I'd be doing the fixing - but just things or events... not something that defines the character. So that's it for the list....

well except for the one that caused the end of the end.... Yeah.... well, still working through that one.

Boilerplate council

I'm not downplaying the council I received from the bishop but I found out last night that it is verbatim what he told another girl in my ward. Huh. Just interesting. At the same time, it was good food for thought for me and something that I will consider as things progress or not with Mr. R.

I did hear briefly back from Mr. R. I'm not sure how to read his reactions. He told me on Sunday that he would write later. This morning he sent a response to a sarcastic small email I had sent him - but still... I'm not sure how to read the tone and what is really going on. His parting line to the email was "Be careful what you wish for" (threat?)

It's in his hands. I can't do anything right now. I don't even think I could email him right now. I want to be there for him as a friend, but it needs to come from him. I need him to react to what he read in my blog. I need him to react and tell me his thoughts and where he's at. We're not there right now.

Besides, he has play practice until really late each night - so I know that he probably gets home and goes straight to bed since he usually gets up at 5 am to go to work. So, who knows when and what kind of response I will get.

I will be on the east coast for the next two weeks. My first couple nights are with some friends that are setting me up with the non-member (g). I plan on going on that date with an open mind and open to possibilities. I can't put all my trust on Mr. R when at this point we are nothing. It takes trust from both sides - and right now... zip exists more than a relationship exists.

Never want to get old

Today, my friend called to tell me that her grandpa had a stroke at 2 AM this morning. Her grandma called the kids around 7 to let them know and that grandpa couldn't talk very well. She didn't take him to the hospital until after 9.

Today, my brother is meeting with the assisted living place to find out if my grandpa's wife can stay there or not. She has required a lot of help and hasn't been happy since she was transferred back there on Thursday. She does complain a lot and doesn't seem like anything that is done for her can make her happy. Our goal for the last few months has been to keep them together but if she is not happy there and becomes overly demanding, then the assisted living place is going to have to transfer her out. It's sad.

I never want to get old.

Selfish Be---otch

Yep, I just keep thinking more and more that this blog just showcases how selfish i am and how I focus so much on my life and is that really what is important? I really need to focus on other things and highlight other things and learn other things... get outside myself. What is the purpose of my life really if all I do is think about things I want to do for myself? How do I get outside this cycle?

Elizabeth Smart

I just read that Elizabeth Smart will testify in a competency hearing for her kidnappers. Amazing, that years (7?) later, the case is continuing on. What is interesting is the articles tell you that Elizabeth is going on a mission to Paris. She leaves in November. Wow! What an amazing story Elizabeth has had in her short life. How incredible that she is alive.

This next month, Jacob Wetterling will have been missing for 20 years. I wish they would find him alive. His mother has been so incredible in the fight for advocating for missing children. She deserves a miracle.

Council

When interviewing the guy who wants to marry his daughter, the bishop would ask for the following guarantees:

• promise you will always be worthy of a temple recommend and always have a current recommend.
• promise that when the time comes that you are both on the other side of the veil, that you will be able to take the woman by her hand and guide her back to the presence of the Lord.

Trust is everything. If you can't trust, then the relationship is over.

There was more but those are the highlighted pieces of council from the bishop.

A true mantle

Yesterday, I went to talk to my bishop before church. this is something that was probably long overdue. I have to confess that I haven't exactly admired or respected my bishop - and so for me to go talk with him, was more out of a guilt complex caused by my roommate.

Stories:

1. In August, my roommate, E, told me that hte bishop and RS Pres were "WORRIED" about me. and thought I was inactive. I'm Not.

- so I emailed the RS Pres and let her know I'd been traveling and that I hoped that they could take me off the inactive list. She told me that all she had done was ask about me and that she understands about the traveling (she travels a lot too).

-- The reality is, my roommmate, was feeling like I was inactive and decided to bring it up with a guilt pressure - of bringing it in by name of the bishop and RS Pres.

2. It has been decided that I will be the one to take grandpa to church. Really, i could fight this if I wanted to but the reality is, I feel like I'm at a transition time of deciding whether I should be in the singles ward or a family ward. My grandpa is the perfect excuse to put off making a decision for a while longer. At first, I thought I would transfer my records to my grandpa's ward boundaries, but now I am thinking I'll just keep them in the singles ward....

so, I went to the bishop yesterday to explain the situation with my grandparents and my schedule for the ward...

I didn't know if i'd get it - but he was sitting in the hall and we ended up talking for about 45 minutes. I haven't talked with him any other time than for tithing settlement.

So, we sit down and he asks, "You still dating that guy in California." I stopped and just looked directly at him for a LONG time. Then finally ssaid, "no".

bishop: "good, cuz long distance never works"

me: "well, we would have figured things out around that - so that it wasn't long distance."

I agreed with him about long-distance not working and talked a little bit about that ...

he talked about how he wished his son would get on the ball and get married (single, 30s, in Utah...)

Then I told him that I was there to tell him what was going on in my life... mainly my grandparents. Wow, what a support and love I felt from the bishop. As we talked, we decided that it would be good for me to come to church at least 1 time per month. In regards to my calling, I've asked the SS Pres if I can teach one time a month. the bishop would like me to come to activities when possible (i.e. break the fast). So, that is the plan.

Then, I switched back to talking about my favorite topic of the past two months... relationships. I asked the bishop about his thoughts on the repentance process and having a relationship with someone you know is going through that process.

I gained some great insight and thoughts from him. I feel like the bishop was truly being a mouthpiece for the lord to me. He said things I needed to hear, so that I would know what to consider.

I just have to say that my admiration for the bishop grew 100x yesterday. I truly respect that man now. I should have respected him more before. True, I think he's an old bishop and allows all us "old" people to be in the leadership callings (everyone in leadership is 30+)... but when sought for council, he is who I needed to talk to and told me what I needed to hear. I believe that he has the mantle of bishop for our ward.

breathe

I've had an interesting week. After talking with Mr. R - I feel like it's only put "us" back up in the air. At the same time, I'm preparing for the month of October... I've got two dates set up with friends and I don't want any guy to feel like they are a rebound, or that they wasted their time. So, I have to keep an open mind.

The fact that Mr. R and I are "up" in the air - to me means that maybe someday we could start over. But a lot would have to be said before hand. I'm not sure we'll reach that point.

After talking with Mr. R last week, I felt like I should write him, but not right away... that I should be patient and send it on Sunday morning. I sent the letter at 1 AM Saturday night. I heard back from him late last night but only briefly, as he had been at play practice and what I sent was a lot for him to digest... and he said he'd write later.

The gist of my email to him? Well I guess I just wanted to let him know that I don't see his choices this last summer as defining him. That I think he's a great guy and I hope he finds that person. I also wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. And I wasn't necessarily talking about me when I said that. I was able to talk in that email about some of my feelings of the comforter and the spirit... and it was good to just share my thoughts.

At the end of my email, I was a little sneaky... I left a "blind" link to my blog - the old blog address. You see, in this blog - now my new blog address but my old blog (confused yet), i had written that I wasn't going to write about Mr. R anymore and that I needed to just let it all go and move on. But of course I didn't. So I continued to write things that I wish I could say to Mr. R and some other thoughts, at the OLD address.

That's the link I sent to Mr. R. So, yesterday, at the end of my email, he saw there was a link to something - and it went to my blog. He wrote that he read it. I'm glad he read it. I wanted him to. Now, I feel like I've shared everything I've wanted to - to this point and laid it all out there.

Mr. R can choose what he wants to do with this information. But I mostly just feel free that I can move on without regrets. I did all I could for him and for me.

Family

I understand that family has an investment and they are "team me" - they all saw that I was hurt deeply... but at the same time... I needed to make sure that I righted the wrong. I allowed it to be said that Mr. R and Ms. YW went further than they did. That's not right.

I ended up talking with my sister for 2 hours yesterday. She basically said that unless I'm married to Mr. R - she doesn't have to accept him. I didn't tell her anything other than I had seen some correspondence between him and Ms. YW.

I've reached a point in this last month where I've really come to believe in the repentance process. I've come to realize that I don't want to judge anyone any more. I don't want to jump to conclusions... i don't want anyone to feel like I judge them... like everyone is staring at them if they are going through the process.

It may be part of the test and trial to have that feeling and paranoia - but I don't have to participate in it.

I need to believe and trust in this process.

Did Mr. R show his true character in what he was doing with ms. YW or was his true character the person I knew?

The facts, he made very clear that we were not dating exclusively. In hindsight, I understand why he was stressing that. I still fell.

basis for marriage

The proper basis for a marriage is a mutual misunderstanding. - Oscar Wilde

Do you agree to this statement?

I'm not sure what I think about this? Is it being facetious?

Peace

Mr R and I talked for about an hour on Sunday. The good news is, he's working towards being on the right track - and doing better than he was even when i was dating him. The YW Pres and her husband are working on their marriage and her husband even went to Mr. R and told him that he forgives him.

This past month has grown my understanding of the repentance process and of the atonement. Mr. R and I hurt each other a lot through emails this last month. He - convinced that I was mad and said and did what I did out of anger. Me - convinced he didn't recognize that he hurt me too (because he said we weren't serious). It's true. Deep down I know that we weren't serious. Technically, because he verbally told me this on multiple occasions, we weren't serious. The problem: I was serious. I fell in love with him quickly. I still love him. I don't know if we'll ever talk again but to know that it was a good thing (and recognized by him) that the bishop was called... that they didn't go as far as my imagination conjured... that the process is being followed... that I was able to tell him that there was a reason his phone was left at home...

About the anger and the way that I did things. Mr. R asked me this last month why i didn't ask him and try to talk with him out of concern. I tried... i tried to explain my feelings from the end of June until Disneyland - that I felt like a distance was there. And then, I told him how I ended up in his emails and that I read them; that what about the YW Pres - and he said, "What about her? she's married." and I told him I read the emails. He said, "I thought I erased them." and I don't know what else I said... but he said something to the effect nothing was going on - and said he had to go. I know I asked if I had been a cover. That was the explanation I had come up with - why else would he have me go to church... this way people would stop talking about him and the YW pres maybe. Within 5-10 minutes, he unfriended me on Facebook. Within an hour, I got a nasty email from the YW Pres. I called the bishop before the nasty email. I called the bishop based on the advice from my Stake President. I didn't tell Mr. R I was calling him beforehand, because i wasn't sure if he'd lie to me and I didn't want something to not stop this - whatever it was.

After the nasty emails from both of them, I was scared for my safety. I worried that there would be revenge from his part. I talked to a close cop friend of mine and asked if MR. R would be able to do anything. Mr. R does have a gun. His first concern that night was about the YW Pres - that's what I felt...

honestly, it is just a testimony to me that the Lord was looking out for Mr. R and how much HE loves Mr. R and was helping a situation stop before it went too far. And, the Lord was looking out for me too.

After talking with Mr. R - I cry for the sadness of it and really hope that he won't feel so alone. It's not right for wards to judge. It's not right for ward members to not be welcoming to people in their ward. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... I hope that I will learn to stop judging others, after this experience, I don't want to be a judge of anyone. I truly believe in the repentance process and that you can only end up stronger after an experience like this - if that is the path you choose to take. I believe Mr. R is taking that path.

I don't regret the calling of the bishop - my stake president said that we make the call because we are our brother's keeper. i wish ward members would remember that feeling. I need to get that feeling in my ward. I've neglected my ward so much lately and really am not part of it. I need to figure out what I'm doing about wards and then really be a part of it.

All the Love in the World

To whomever you are:


I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friends, I'm more than okay
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams, but it's not all they say

Still I believe
(I'm missing...)
I'm missing something real
I need someone who releases me

(Don't want to wake...)
Don't want to wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk in my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world

I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't critisise it, I had no hesitations
My imagination just stole me away

Still I believe
(I'm missing...)
I'm missing something real
I need someone who releases me

(Don't want to wake...)
Don't want to wake up alone anymore
Still believeing you'll walk in my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world

Guitar Solo:

Love's for a lifetime
Not for a moment
So happy, don't throw it away
I'm only human
And that's (?)brought colder(?)
With noone to love me that way

I need someone who releases me

(Don't want to wake...)
Don't want to wake up alone anymore
Still believeing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world

(Don't want to wake up alone anymore)
All alone
Let me know it's sure
(Don't want to wake up alone)
Still believe in someone
(Don't want to wake up alone)
When you reach for me
(Don't want to wake up alone)
Let me know it's for real

Vision

“The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.”

—Vance Havner
(1901-1986); preacher, author

Will I be a mom with "great words to live by"?

Sheri Dew yelled at her team when she was young. Her mom grabbed her, lead her away and said:

"You are out of control. You have forgotten who you are, where you are, and what is really important. And if you would everlike to play ball again, I suggest you correct this mistake right now."

I need to chastise myself with these words sometimes.

Satan tries some variation of this approach on each of us. He lies. He shades and obscures truth. He makes evil look good and good look unenlightened and unsophisticated. He will try anything to obscure the truth about who we are, where we are, and what's really important. In President Harold B. Lee's last general conference, he stated that without an understanding of who we are, we lack "a solid foundation upon which to build our lives" (Conference Report, October 1973, 5).

...

We are women who understand that to qualify for eternal life, we must deal with a full range of difficulty and disappointment here. We are free to choose how we live, where we spend our temporal, emotional, and spiritual resources, and to what and whom we devote ourselves. We are free "to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator . . . or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil" (2 Nephi 2:27).

Our ability to successfully negotiate this spiritual minefield called mortality improves dramatically if we are clear about who we are and what is important. And what is important is eternal life. Said President Spencer W. Kimball, "Since immortality and eternal life are the sole purpose of life, all other interests and activities are but incidental thereto"(The Miracle of Forgiveness [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969], 2)

Of course our faith will be tried. Of course we will have tests of our endurance, of our desires, and of our convictions. Said Lorenzo Snow: "The Lord . . . will try us until He knows what He can do with us. He tried His Son Jesus. Thousands of years before he came upon the earth the Father had watched His course and knew He could depend upon Him when the salvation of worlds should be at stake. . . . So . . . He will . . . continue to try us, in order that He may place us in the highest positions in life and put upon us the most sacred responsibilities" (Millennial Star 6 [24 August 1899]: 532). It is in moments of disappointment, heartache, and loneliness that we often make decisions that forge our faith, mold our characters, and fortify our convictions about the only source of strength and solace that satisfies. And that is Jesus Christ.

As our testimony of God the Father and His Son Christ expands and matures, our view of ourselves and our potential does likewise, and we begin to focus more on life forever than life today. But when we forget our Father and His Son, we forget who we are, and almost inevitably our behavior disappoints us.

NOTE: This brings a whole new meaning to the words "remember who you are"

How then do we remember the Lord during a time when the adversary has unleashed his most potent strategies? Captain Moroni provides a model for our day. For just as he prepared his people to face an army larger and more ferocious than his, so are we at battle with a sinister strategist who is devoted to our destruction.

Moroni prepared his people spiritually and temporally. His preparations were so extensive that the Lamanites were "astonished exceedingly, because of the wisdom of the Nephites in preparing their places of security" (Alma 49:5; emphasis added).

Captain Moroni raised a title of liberty and invited all who would maintain it to "come forth in the strength of the Lord" (Alma 46:20). President Hinckley has done likewise: "We have work to do, . . . so very much of it. Let us roll up our sleeves and get at it, with a new commitment, putting our trust in the Lord. . . . We can do better than we have ever done before" (Ensign, May 1995, 88).

Mormon's last words to his son Moroni were these: "Let us labor diligently; . . . for we have a labor to perform whilst in this tabernacle of clay, that we may conquer the enemy of all righteousness, and rest our souls in the kingdom of God" (Moroni 9:6).

SOURCE: http://ce.byu.edu/cw/womensconference/archive/1999/dew_sheri.htm

Trust

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea,

And rides upon the storm.

. . .

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

But trust Him for His grace;

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

... You are a choice generation with great expectations. May our Heavenly Father ever guide and bless you; may you strive always to achieve those great expectations,

- President Monson

In the race of life...

Seek the Lord’s Help

...seek the help of the Lord. Souls are precious—your soul and my soul. Our Heavenly Father Himself has said so. Remember that we do not run alone in this great race of life; we are entitled to the help of the Lord.

To the Hebrews the Apostle Paul urged:

Lay aside . . . sin . . . , and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking [for an example] unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. [Hebrews 12:1–2]

- President Monson

Before we can take Him as our companion, before we can follow Him as our guide, we must find Him. In order to find Him, I would like to suggest, first of all, that we must make room for Him in our lives. He said, “The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head” (Matthew 8:20).

The physician Luke described the nativity scene: “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn” (Luke 2:7).

The invitation of the Lord is directed to each of us. Think of it as the words of the Lord to you individually: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him [and, I might add, to her]” (Revelation 3:20).

I've never thought of those verses in that way; metaphorically, that there was no room for the Lord.... just like we get distracted in our lives and make no room for the Lord.

How can I apply this to my life?

Stick to your task till it sticks to you;

Beginners are many, but enders are few.

Honor, power, place, and praise

Will come, in time, to the one who stays.

Stick to your task till it sticks to you;

Bend at it, sweat at it, smile at it too;

For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile

Will come life’s victories, after awhile.8

AND:

Formula “W” is interesting: “Work will win when wishy-washy wishing won’t

-- President Monson, CES Fireside: http://byub.org/talks/transcripts/ces/2009/1/ces2009111-2991.pdf

Habits

Good Habits are the soul's muscles.

- President Monson, http://byub.org/talks/transcripts/ces/2009/1/ces2009111-2991.pdf

This could be describing the men (and prob'ly women) in the church today

SOURCE: http://byub.org/talks/transcripts/ces/2009/1/ces2009111-2991.pdf - Pres. Monson.

Many years ago I had the opportunity to teach at the university level, and I remember that some students seemed to know where they were going. They applied themselves, they had objectives, they had goals, and they worked toward the achievement of these objectives

and goals. But other students could not have cared less. They seemed to be drifting on a sea of chance, with waves of failure threatening to engulf them. First they became lazy, then discouraged, and then indifferent, and then they became dropouts.

...In your pursuit of excellence, real effort is required.

I'm looking for something that is great... in a relationship, I want us to have the potential to be something great. ... that we are great together....

There are a lot of LDS guys in this world who could "care less" - "they seem to be drifting on a sea of chance, with waves of failure threatening to engulf them. First they become lazy, then ....indifferent...and then they become dropouts" in the world of relationships and pursuing true eternal relationships.

It's a waste of great potential - or using the title of the talk, "Great expectations" they can meet...but fail to even try.

Age of accountability

How cool is this... research (not LDS):

Dr. Glenn Doman, a renowned scholar and scientist who has almost definitely never heard of the revelation quoted, has, through his research, come to the conclusion that a newborn child is almost an exact duplicate of [a] computer, although superior to one in almost every way.

What is placed in the child’s brain during the first eight years of life is probably there to stay. If you put misinformation into his brain during this period, it is extremely difficult to erase it.

He believed that the most receptive age in human life is that of two or three years old.

-- From a talk by president Monson, Jan. 2009 to the CES.

Hypoglycemia

I talked with a naturpath on Friday and she has diagnosed my problem with sleeping - as being tied in with my Hypoglycemia. I'm not technically Hypoglicemic but I was told once that I am borderline. So, I need to learn to snack every 2-3 hours.

Here's some more info:

Hypoglycemia Unrelated to Diabetes

• In reactive hypoglycemia, symptoms occur within 4 hours of eating. People with reactive hypoglycemia are usually advised to follow a healthy eating plan recommended by a registered dietitian.

Causes and Treatment
The causes of most cases of reactive hypoglycemia are still open to debate. Some researchers suggest that certain people may be more sensitive to the body’s normal release of the hormone epinephrine, which causes many of the symptoms of hypoglycemia. Others believe deficiencies in glucagon secretion might lead to reactive hypoglycemia.

To relieve reactive hypoglycemia, some health professionals recommend

• eating small meals and snacks about every 3 hours
• being physically active
• eating a variety of foods, including meat, poultry, fish, or nonmeat sources of protein; starchy foods such as whole-grain bread, rice, and potatoes; fruits; vegetables; and dairy products
• eating foods high in fiber
• avoiding or limiting foods high in sugar, especially on an empty stomach

SOURCE: http://diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/hypoglycemia/#prevention

Who we really are...

The Lord knows who we really are, what we really think, what we really do, and who we really are becoming. He has warned us that “the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be reveale

d” (D&C 1:3).

Elder Bednar gave a talk on technology/virtual digital distractions vs "things as they really are"

For your happiness and protection, I invite you to study more diligently the doctrine of the plan of salvation—and to prayerfully ponder the truths we have reviewed. I offer two questions for consideration in your personal pondering and prayerful studying:

1. Does the use of various technologies and media invite or impede the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in your life?

2. Does the time you spend using various technologies and media enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?

You will receive answers, inspiration, and instruction from the Holy Ghost suited to your individual circumstances and needs. I repeat and affirm the teaching of the Prophet Joseph: “All beings who have bodies have power over those who have not. The devil has no power over us only as we permit him.

...

Elder Neal A. Maxwell visited the campus of Brigham Young University–Idaho to speak in a devotional. During the day he was on the campus, we talked together about a variety of gospel topics in general and about the youth of the Church in particular. I remember Elder Maxwell making a statement that greatly impressed me. He said, “The youth of this generation have a greater capacity for obedience than any previous generation."

He then indicated that his statement was based upon a truth taught by President George Q. Cannon: “God has reserved spirits for this dispensation who have the courage and determination to face the world, and all the powers of the evil one, visible and invisible, to proclaim the Gospel, and maintain the truth, and establish and build up the Zion of our God, fearless of all consequences. He has sent these spirits in this generation to lay the foundation of Zion never more to be overthrown, and to raise up a seed that will be righteous, and that will honor God, and honor him supremely, and be obedient to him under all circumstances.”

...the teachings of President Cannon and Elder Maxwell help us to understand more fully what is required of us today. You and I are to be valiant and “obedient to him under all circumstances.”

Tri

I did it! in 1 hour 57 minutes, I did my first tri-it (Novice level). I loved it. I did pretty well for not running most of the 5k. I walked it 70% of the time.

I swam 1/4 mile in 12 minutes, I biked 12 miles in a little over 1 hour and then ran in about 40 minutes (walked). My left foot went numb at mile 6 of the ride so it was a little slow going. Funny thing happened too: hail came down at miles 6 of the bike ride. Pretty funny! It was a rainy morning (the sun came out while we were driving home).

What I thought was cool, as I was "running" - people would pass me (either going the same direction or as they were on their way back to the finish) and they would be so encouraging. I found myself starting to cheer others on too. It was great. People kept saying, "you can do it".

Im pretty proud of myself. I never thought I'd compete in a triathlon. For me, this wasn't necessarily a competition but just an accomplishment for myself. I loved it.

What I know from this experience: Next time I will do the sprint distance (swim is 1/2 mile). I know that I really can be faster - I wasn't very competitive or driven to work on my time - and hopefully in the next few months, I'll be able to get the podiatrist to fix my feet problems. So, I can only improve from here :).

I'm grateful for my brother (3rd in his division for olympic distance) who encouraged me to do this. It's not something I ever planned on doing.

Fun day!

Not to get back at the boy... but just time for a change

This week - I became a brunette. I love it. My friends have all told me that it looks great and they like it. I actually think my eyes stand out more than they would if I was just my normal strawberry blond. I don't think this is my forever color but it's fun for now. I think dark hair looks neater - even in the same style as i would be as a blonde... hmmmm, this may last longer than I originally thought. I'm kind of liking this.

Some people may think I did this because I broke up with Mr. R. My brother asked that right away - when he saw it. Really, I felt like shaking things up. Maybe it is cuz of the boy - more just because something major happened and time to take control of my life in a different way. Also, I've been wanting to try being a brunette for over 2 years now. I just finally made the leap of faith to try it.

it's fun. 2 days in, I'm loving it. It's definitely shocking to people who know me well. I surprise myself everytime I look into the mirror.

Jaded and funny

I sat in one of the back rows of church on Sunday. Do you know what I thought about? Yes, of course. Isn't that horrible? Anyway, one of the things that kept coming to mind as I looked at backs of heads, oh that girl has brown curly hair like....KKKK.... wonder if she would ever do what KKKK did with Mr. R. I forever am thinking that when I see a girl from the back with dark brown hair...when I met KKKK, we sat behind her at church. Crazy! I still just get squeamish about the fact that I sat behind her and met her and that she emailed me. ICK!

Here's the funny thing: I've always wanted to try being a brunette and on Thursday, I'm getting my hair done and I'm going dark and stripy.

New URL

I added the #2 to the url for this blog so I could go back to being anonymous and public. I know I don't really have readers - but still, I'm just wishing I had thought about it and just sent him some of the blogs instead of the actual url - but either way, there is no point in conversing with MR. R any more - and I don't want him to have access to my life.

balance argument vs discussion

"The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." -Dale Carnegie

Air force

I swear, I'm "this" close to joining the air force.

This weekend is the International Air show in my town. We're going to miss it because I promised my roommate I would go with her to see Crater Lake. Sad.

Still, they are practicing today. I really want to just go hop on a plane and start flying.

STAGES

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

so did I skip anger and go to bargaining and now I'm back to anger? depression? I think I'm done that too. I think this week was some of the "testing" stage too... so maybe now I'm at acceptance and just am moving forward for real.

I'm done talking about it with friends, family, and even with myself. I'm done.

it keeps coming back to the money

"Why'd you go on the trip anyway ... when you knew I couldn't afford it?"

It's a valid question - although the trip had already been paid for by the time I even got to visit Mr. R.

My answer for why I went on the trip - I was in shock. I wanted deny to myself that I had seen what I saw. I didn't know what to do. I looked AVIS rental car locations. I explored options in my head. Ultimately, I put my thoughts on hold and followed the advice of the homeless man. I wanted to have a fun weekend at the "happiest place on earth" and for the most part, I was able to forget what I had read

on Monday, when we were driving back to the city and my flight, i started losing it. I tried to suck it up...

so, do I refund the trip to Mr. R? This really isn't about money. For me, it's about honesty - but I'll pay him the money (I had already subsidized/doctored the cost to be less).

a possession in absence or unkindness...

“To be rich in admiration and free from envy, to rejoice greatly in the good of others, to love with such generosity of heart that your love is still a dear possession in absence or unkindness - these are the gifts which money cannot buy.”

—Robert Louis Stevenson

Baby doll...

To Whomever I date in the future, I never want to be called "baby". It's a word I don't like. I almost didn't mind it with Mr. R - but after seeing that at the same time as him calling me that, he was writing the YW Pres and calling her "baby doll". Yep - don't like that word at all any more. It's just skeezy.

Funny, he asked if it was okay for him to call me those words. I told him "sure" and he said, that those words are kind of possessive... huh, not serious or anything but possessive? So inconsistent. Make up your mind.

WOW - the anger has come

I didn't think it would but my last posting shows that I'm definitely just mad now. I'm mad about the injustice, the dishonesty and just the wrong-ness of it all. So, yeah for the anger stage... what's the next stage?

I've also decided that I will tell my roommate this weekend that it's over with Mr.R. I didn't want to tell them since i just had the 3rd roommate move in. I don't know what I'll tell her. I don't want to go into details. I'm thinking I'll just say we had different values and were in different places.

Doesn't compute

There are a lot of things that have been said that DON'T Compute. One thing - Apparently, the YW Pres was our 'biggest fan'. WHY? And how is that true. Again, not verbatim but in one of the emails, she tells him she has a favorite picture of him on the boat cruise that he and I went on. She also said, of course i wish it was me that was with you.

Really? That's a great fan to have.

Was it because she thought I'd be naive and be okay with her and him having any kind of relationship? Sorry, you already have a husband honey... why do you have to have 2 men? Sad.

Missing Girl found alive

Jaycee disappeared in 1991. 18 years ago. yesterday, she walked into a police station and told them who she is. She's alive.

Last week, I sat in a workshop with 2 parents of missing children and a survivor of sexual abuse. This is something that is unbelievable. I wish Jacob Wetterling would be found. It's 20 years since he went missing - and the families still HOPE that he is alive.

My life is nothing hard - compared to these people.

Senator Ted Kennedy

It's amazing to me that he has been in the senate since the 60's. What I think is great, is every one is quoting Senator Hatch when they talk about Ted Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy died two days ago. This "royal" family of America is getting very small through many sad tragedies.

Mean

Too bad I don't really feel that way... This is more my style... but I'm over it.

I'm the worst

After talking back and forth with Mr. R via email... it has become apparent that we ended up speaking apples and oranges and only hurting each other with blame. My intent of the exchange was for him to see what I was thinking and what made me do what I did. Instead, we both come up in the wrong and it just is an endless cycle. He told me that I was being mean in the emails. That wasn't what I was trying to be. Maybe if this wasn't done over email, but iuntil today, I've just been crying if I think about the situation. Today, I didn't cry. Mr. R isn't going to read the blog... he didn't see the point and he's probably right.

The biggest issue here is mine: I need to not fall any more... it's not worth it unless the boy is already there. Mr. R wasn't there. At one point, I thought he was headed in that direction... but he had other things occupying him

As for my theory of dating divorced guys, because maybe they have less issues than the ones who have been single all their lives..... it's out the window.

10 things I hate about you

I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call...

but mostly I hate that I don't hate you...not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

the bad years

Last night, my friend's visiting teachers came to Baja, after spinning. We got on the topic of our "bad" and "great" years. 22 was my year from hell. That's what I always said. I also always say I stopped aging at 27. That was a great year for me. But that means that I've been 27 for 5 years now. I don't know if I count this year as one of the bad yet. I don't regret anything. 4 months to go - how will this year go?

Crazy?

I've been thinking that people are supposed to do something crazy after an upsetting experience - something to just rejuvenate and start fresh.

I've had a few ideas... cut my hair short (I like it long). Die my hair (I've always wanted to try being a brunette)... go on a trip (can't afford it).

What did I do? I bought some home-improvement stuff. YEP... Crazy.

P.S. - I might still die my hair brown.

TRI

So, my bro has been trying to get me to go to the Triathlon with him that was about 4 hours south of here. I refused, initially because I had a date scheduled for that weekend. Huh. Then, because my good friend M & N are coming from DC to stay with me and go to a wedding. Now, I have no excuse because he found out there is a triathlon right here in my area. So... the last few days, we've gone to the lake. It was freezing yesterday and after putting on my wet-suit, I decided I was going to kayak and not swim. Charlie changed that. I was worried about Charlie - he just kept swimming and swimming. Can't he drown? Anyway, he tried to climb into my kayak and tipped me over. I had to swim with the boat, charlie and myself all the way back to shore. It took me 15 minutes to empty the kayak because it doesn't have an easy-drain like newer kayaks. My arm strength is minimal. Anyway, after yesterday, I've decided that I need to buy Charlie a dog life-jacket. Isn't that ridiculous?

The good news: The lake is about 70 degrees - way warmer that in it is outside the water.

This morning, we went to the lake again. This time we didn't take the kayaks so we could take my car. I "swam" 1/2 mile. I'm so ADD when it comes to swimming and I think I'll be very slow at the actual race. But at least I'm TRYING a TRI right?

Tonight, I'm going to ride around an island for 12 miles - so if I could fit a run in (which I'm not very good at all) then I'd have my TRI today.... just took me 12+ hours.

disclaimer

up until this posting, the blog has been written for my own purposes. A question of my motivations behind my actions has come up. The only way I could see defending my actions, was to have Mr. R see what I would say, when I have no one to judge. i now have invited Mr. R to view this blog. I will close the invite in a few days, as I do not want to be perceived as writing anything for the purposes of him/you to read.



The day is done
The sun sinks low
We fold up the blanket, it's time to go

Love? Me?

Mr. R asked me if I fall easily - and I didn't really respond. We were sitting in a fast food place and I was already crying because I just felt like it was over and I didn't know what to tell him.

The answer: I don't fall in love easily. I haven't been in love with anyone since N and to count the years - that would be 6 or 7 years. Since N, I've been in-like - but Mr. R - he was different. I was falling in love with him - and never told him. I was wanting him to tell me first - but I didn't know he wasn't free.

The weekend that he got back from his family, I had sent him a card with all the reasons I "liked" him:

It was a long list. And there was more I would have put on there if I hadn't been protecting my heart.

I guess it was good that I didn't put them on there.

I don't want to believe that what we had was a mirage - even though, I know... it's over.

MOVING ON....

The most hurtful...

The emails that stand out the most, I can't remember them verbatim, but the gist was - Mr. R was visiting his family in the east. We talked some that week. But, the email exchanges between him and the other woman... he talked about her being the closest person to him, that he wanted her to be part of his family...

Don't tell me you miss me, and then go on and email another girl about how much you want her to be part of your family....

Your feelings, your heart were elsewhere and I didn't have a clue.

that's what hurts...

reactions

I told a couple people in my family that I had had a good, civil email exchange with Mr. R - and the reactions are varied. My sister-in-law thinks that he's still lying to me. She said, that if Mr. R had been apologetic to me when this happened or at least not been so accusatory - that she'd feel better about this latest development.... but it's true. When I confronted Mr. R - he called the YW pres right away - and I got nasty emails from both of them about how WRONG it was that I would read his emails - forget what was going on between the two of them. Forget that what I would have read would be hurtful to read, for someone who thought they were in a relationship.

I keep playing over the emails that I read and I'm not sure what I think any more. I know that if I was trying to stop something or if I was working on something already, then isn't it the same thing as a drug - you shouldn't be around that "something"? Mr. R hadn't reached the point of stopping...

And then I wonder if I sabbotaged this relationship with Mr. R because our 2nd date was supposed to be labor day and I helped facilitate 3 meetings before that. So, if I'd been patient for Labor Day - would things be different?

Update

So, I got a voicemail from Mr. R today, asking if I had called his bishop out of wanting to "burn him on my way out" or out of concern. I told him that I had not come to that decision lightly. He thanked me for being honest and then told me that he had been working on this for a while - infact, the girl, the married woman, was one of our biggest fans and thought I was the right girl for him.

I'm sad. In ways, I feel like yes, i was guided to find out what was happening - and yet, now, based on the emails with Mr. R - I feel like, maybe he would have told me someday and we could have worked through it and had a stronger relationship despite the struggle of what he was going through. Is that horrible to think that? What if he and the YW Pres weren't having a relationship (ANYMORE) and he was working his way through it all and that I ruined a good thing?

And now, I feel like I've burned the bridge with him; by making this public to him and his bishop...and telling him what I found out, that I've ruined any future for us.

I really did feel like he was so many things of what I was looking for in my future, forever companion, I felt like Heavenly Father had facilitated the meetings... too many little things just clicked, and I ruined it. Or maybe I didn't - but if I hadn't read those emails, Mr. R could have told me his struggles, someday, and we could have worked through them... in due time instead of my jumping the gun.

Hmmmm... food for thought. Moral of the story: Don't read people's personal emails EVER! It's not worth it - because you don't get the whole story. AND even if you end up there by accident... doesn't mean you can keep reading just because you find out that the person you're dating is having an affair.... let them tell you - or stop where you're at and confront them about the first email instead of keep reading.

Well, this is my life.

Confession: I flirt with married men

Last week, I was at a huge conference. I hung out with a whole bunch of my married Guy friends (mostly guys are at this conference). NOTE: Their ages range from 30 to mostly 50/60. It was fun to flirt and just have fun.

I told a complete stranger that I had just found out the guy i was dating was having an affair with a married woman. He told me "the last great guy went off the market 13 years ago" - when he met his wife. He was so in love with his wife and kids. It was fun to just joke around with him -

Still, I danced and flirted with these married men.

BUT - it didn't go anywhere. And if they tried to dance closer than I wanted - I moved away. I even danced with my good friend M (wish I could meet a single/taller version of him) 3 times. He is someone I trust completely. He has 2 kids and a great wife and - wow, it doesn't matter how drunk or crazy he gets, he's always faithful to her.

He boosted my ego this last week. It was nice to know from him that he thought I was a great catch. Now if I could just meet a great guy (LDS) who thought that.

Someone else's Story: Chess - not another board game - but still ironic

Long ago
In someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name
Who looked a lot like me
Came to know
A man and made a promise
He only had to say
And that's where she would be
Lately
Although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
And yet I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?

In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Sadly
She realized she'd left him behind
And sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind
And though there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?

It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.

I could be
In someone else's story
In someone else's life
And he could be in mine
I don't see
A reason to be lonely
I could take my chances
Further down the line
And if
That girl I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate she needn't ask me twice
[FLORENCE]
Long ago
In someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name
Who looked a lot like me
Came to know
A man and made a promise
He only had to say
And that's where she would be
Lately
Although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
And yet I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?

In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Yesterday
A girl that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Sadly
She realized she'd left him behind
And sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind
And though there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?

It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.

I could be
In someone else's story
In someone else's life
And he could be in mine
I don't see
A reason to be lonely
I could take my chances
Further down the line
And if
That girl I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate she needn't ask me twice
Go now!
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is, the girl is me
The story is, the girl is me.
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is, the girl is me
The story is, the girl is me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUUAK-fLFYU - Look up Lea Salonga singing this song.

There's a fine, fine line...

A friend from PA sent me a CD today. This song hit me hard:

Kate Monster:
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

It's from Avenue Q. I think what we had was real.

Kkkk

I think of the YW pres as KKK - although I know that's wrong, so I'll add another K. But still. her initials are such that I've just had that in my mind.

So this is a note to the women who are married and wanting to have an affair. Don't do it. Do you understand that not only you are hurt but the man and the other people in his life that he lies to. Yep. It's a big circle of hurt. KKKK - she's at fault too. How sad. You have a husband. You have a daughter. You allow something to happen. You have responsibilities for the YW in your ward! Do you even know the values? it isn't all Mr. R's fault. i hold you completely accountable. If you hadn't been there in his lowest time, when his divorce was almost final... if you hadn't been there and allowed yourself to go there... maybe Mr. R and I would have had a chance. yes, it's a choice that both of you took the step to be in an affair... but it took two. YOU and Mr. R.

I think it's just sick and wrong what you (KKKK) did. And then, you wrote me and tried to be my "friend". You were "our biggest fan" but still finding joy in the danger of having this relationship with Mr. R. Sick and wrong.

YEAH! for Friends

It's been an interesting month. My roommates (2 of them) hate me right now because I got a 3rd roommate. I told them that I got the 3rd one, so that I could afford my life... when it was looking like trips to California would be on the agenda. Anyway, those trips are no longer happening - but I still haven't told my 2 roommates. I'm scared that they'll get mad that we have the 3rd roommate and I'm not going anywhere any more. So, I talked with my PA Friend, D, is going to watch for subleases for me in the DC area. I'm thinking I might just move around for a while and just try living in different areas, hang out with friends and "work" remotely from other areas. It'd be fun for a while. Although, it will be hard to leave Charlie.

Other than that... for now, I have plans in October:

My PA friends are all getting together over Columbus day weekend. I really want to be there. I told my parents (who recently moved to Delaware) and they said, "well maybe we'll have to make a trip to PA." I'm horrible but I uninvited my parents. I'm sorry, but they never did hang out with my friends when I was growing up there, why would I change that now?

Last week, I wrote a friend, K, in Utah. It's been interesting, the damage control - I told a lot of people I was excited about this relationship with Mr. R. Funny, because I didn't tell as many people about K - the guy i was dating in 2007/08. Anyway, that means I have to do damage control. So, I emailed K and let her know that it was over with Mr. R. I didn't give her details.... turns out, they are coming to the Northwest in October. And, her husband J, knows a guy who is tall and funny. K is going to check on the looks :) but we'll see. Really, I'm just more excited that K and J are coming and that I get to meet her baby boy (born in May). I'm hoping I can get her to take the train down here to visit me, and then I can drive her back up to Seattle.

We'll see - still, October is looking like a great month of reuniting with my friends.